2019 Week 1
September 5, 2019
Well, it's been a long boring 8 months or so. Now it isn't a complete yawn-fest. We aren't always stuck watching Kansas City Royals games or the WNBA.
In fact, the break from college football gives us folks up here the time to catch up with our friends and welcome new arrivals. I was especially excited to welcome guys like Nick Buoniconti and Forrest Gregg as we can always use a few big burly types around here when Coach Hayes gets into one of his moods.
Even better, we had a fantastic fourth of July. No, not many fireworks around here, the Big Guy isn't into pyrotechnics. Instead we had a good cookout going with some porterhouse steaks. Then suddenly I noticed this shadow surrounding me. Next thing I knew the steaks were gone. Then I felt a telltale drip and this overwhelming rancid lard odor.
It took me a few seconds, then I realized it was former Kentucky quarterback legend the late Bluto Lorenzo, which meant that it was his concoction, Lorenzo's Oil, oozing all down my back. I knew exactly what to do and started drinking it down, that stuff's better for rejuvenation than Botox. Before long two of my chins had disappeared.
So I'm very glad that Bluto has joined us here in the heavenly reaches. And I'll keep finding him food so I can drink his oil, rejuvenate myself, and get back to a trim 300 or so pounds.
As for the first week of college football, I wish they wouldn't keep on mixing NFL pre-season games with the college games. And this year they had some early season XFL games going on too. One week before the college season started they showed the worst XFL game ever played, between two orange clad expansion franchises in Miami and Jacksonville (the home of the FU Gator Bowel). Fumbles here, dumb plays there, it was just godawful. Give me college football any day, what I wouldn't give for an old school Cane vs Gator matchup instead of this incompetent crap. Then I had to suffer through an exhibition game between Cincinnati and the new LA NFL franchise, with the Bengals winning 24-21.
Foreign teams had some interesting matchups. The Texas Longhorns crushed the fighting Frogs of La Tech, 45-14. The mushers from Yukon killed the wabbit by beating the Wagner Krauts 24-21.
The two top powerhouses had little trouble, with Clemson bombing Georgia Tech and Alabama pounding Duke. Coach K will be heading back to the drawing board.
In a top cross-sectional matchup, Bring 'em Young hosted one of the Loan Star State's top teams but fell by a 30-12 score to the University of Texas at Houston.
Penn State had little trouble with the Idaho Springs (CO) high school Vandals, winning 79-7. That sort of creampuff scheduling would even embarrass JoePa. No, we still don't know where JoePa is, haven't seen him around.
Coach Miles returned to the field as the Jayhawks beat a powerhouse Indiana State team, 24-17. It was good seeing him on the sidelines again, though I'm guessing field turf may have a bad effect on his digestion.
Stanford slowly strangled Northwestern 17-7 in the Nerd Bowel in front of 2,573 fans in Palo Alto. In the biggest and most exciting game of the day, Auburn came from behind to defeat the Oregon Beavers, 27-21.
Due to the NFL not starting for another week we had college football on Sunday and Monday too. On Sunday Oklahoma had little trouble with regular Houston. On Monday Notre Dame ventured down to play the St. Louisville Cardinals and there were a few mistakes, especially at one point when the teams fumbled to each other on three consecutive plays. I haven't seen anyone be so careless with balls since Emanuelle Part XIX.
Also of note was the pre-game warmup incident where Irish quarterback Ian Book's errant throw hit a Cardinal person on the sideline and broke her nose. It wasn't the first time one of Ian's throws caused damage. You see, Ian got his start in Los Angeles after a bit of scandal. His famous father, an icon in the Golden State, had a fling with a rather plain looking housekeeper, who ended up with child.
At first Ian lived with his father and grew up learning the game of football until one day he uncorked a pass that slammed into the nose of his step-sister. That caused a huge blowup and his frumpy birth mother, Alice B Davis, gave him up for adoption, which is how Tom Brady's illegitimate son Peter Brady was cast out of the Brady family, adopted, and renamed Ian Book after breaking Marcia Brady's nose. And now you know the rest of the story.