2019 Week 14
December 4, 2019
Rivalry week has come and gone and I must say there's nothing I enjoy more than wall to wall college football excitement. Well, sometimes I enjoy a cup of coffee and a colonic just a bit more. Depends on how much my gastro tract has been growling.
Speaking of growling, the Baylor Bears sure stuck it to regular Kansas, annihilating the Jayhawks 61-6. That puts Baylor into the SWC/Big 8 crossover game against Oklahoma, who knocked off rival Oklahoma State 34-16 in a game known as "Bed Lamb". That's an odd title for a rivalry game, "Bed Lamb" would be more appropriate for a Mountain Man matchup between Appalachian State and Western Virginia.
There were a lot of other intra-state rivalry matchups last weekend. Virginia beat Virginia Tech for the first time since I think sometime in the Carter Administration, 39-30. Texas had little trouble with Texas Tech, winning 49-24. Washington won the Apple Cup 31-13 over Washington State, then Coach Peterson announced his retirement. I guess he'll go from taking on Ducks, Beavers, and Pirates to battling Thetans.
One of the most exciting games of the day was the Iron Bowel, where Auburn held off rival Alabama, 48-45. Bo Nix was the star for the Tigers and I'm sure his daddy Bo Jackson was proud. Now Coach Satan tried a special strategy late in the game, sending out a new punt block formation that featured one return man, two guys to block the gunners, and 10 men up front. Coach is pretty innovative when he's not sacrificing chickens on the sideline or spinning his head around at reporters, but unfortunately he was stuck with one of those SEC back judges who was wearing sandals and was thus able to count to 13. Usually those SEC refs only can count to 11, as long as they're not one of those eunuchs.
SEC North rival LSU had little trouble with the Texas Aggies, winning 50-7. Meanwhile, in SEC South action, Florida pummeled Florida State 40-17.
There was plenty of excitement in the Big Ten. Michigan put up a game effort, scoring almost as many points in 60 minutes against Ohio State as the Buckeyes scored in each half. Iowa kicked a late field goal to upend Nebraska and keep the Cornholio out of the bowels. And in the late game Wisconsin pummeled the Minnesota Golden Buffaloes 38-17 to take back Paul Bunyan's Ass.
The most exciting Big Ten finish occurred in West Lafayette, as Indiana beat Purdue 44-41 in double overtime to win possession of the Old Spittoon Jugbucket.
Notre Dame had little trouble with Stanford, winning 45-24 in front of 4,700 people who apparently thought Stanford's stadium was a BART stop so ended up at the game.
Oregon beat Oregon State 24-10 to end this year's Civil War. Meanwhile Colorado lost a cross-sectional game 45-15 to the University of Texas at Houston. Apparently U.T.A.H. has a real shot at the playoffs, which would be good as we haven't had too many teams from the Loan Star State in the BS playoffs of late.
The big story of the weekend occurred in Starkville Mississippi in the Egg Bowel. With Mississippi State leading 21-14, Ole Southern Miss scored with 4 seconds left and only needed an extra point to tie things up. Unfortunately the guy who scored the touchdown felt the call of nature, knelt down, and took a leak on the edge of the end zone. At first it appeared he was penalized for indecent exposure but apparently there was a lack of evidence so I'm not sure what he was punished for, but the Rebels were pushed back 15 yards and missed the extra point and lost the game.
I understand an enterprising Mississippi State student went down to the field, cultured the liquid, and now one of the local brew pubs is featuring an ale called Ole Southern Piss.
Next week we have conference championship games as well as the release of the final BS rankings, after which we'll learn which team will be stuck in which bowel. I can't wait.