2019 Week 13
November 25, 2019
Well, we got through that scintillating SEC non-conference weekend without too much damage, unless you're the defensive coordinator at expansion state school West Carolina. I was stunned that Bama could put up 66 points even without star Tuba Tuiasosopo, then I remembered that 66 is part of Coach Satan's favorite number. Nick's gotta keep his Dark Lord happy I guess. Similarly, Auburn had little trouble with weak sister Samford and LSU clobbered cupcake foe R Kansas.
In a Big Ten showdown, #2 Ohio State jumped all over Penn State 21-0 then started fumbling the ball just to make things a little more interesting. After playing with their food a bit longer, the Buckeyes pulled away 28-17.
There were some interesting intersectional sectarian battles. Notre Dame had little trouble with east coast rival Frodo, winning 40-7. The Papists didn't fare so well in the other showdown, as Bring 'Em Young clobbered U-Mass 56-24. You'd think Catholics would do better against a team of Morons.
Baylor continued an outstanding season, beating Texas 24-10. Texas is back, to losing 5 games a year. Virginia Tech shut out my Pitt Panthers. I'm not sure what's going on there, my guys looked to be on a roll but lately things have looked like the latter days of Johnny. Maybe Coach Gnuz has gotten into Coach Majors' hidden supply of hooch.
There were some big-time rivalry trophy games out west. USC beat UCLA 52-35 to win The Cheerleader's Bowel. Cal came back to beat Stanford 24-20 to win that leftover trophy from the famous 1982 game, the Rusty Trombone.
Yale beat Harvard in a wild one after some students delayed things by running onto the field at halftime. These kids are too premature these days, you do your celebrating after the game is over.
A couple teams that are up for possible BS playoff spots had close calls. Oregon's close call was worse than that, it was a flat-out defeat as they went down to Tempe and lost to the Arizona State Sun Devils 31-28. Coach Edwards seems to be having a fine season other than the games he's lost. Oklahoma fared a bit better as they held off TCU 28-24. It will be interesting to see who the Sooners play in the Big 8 championship game as traditional league rivals like Nebraska and Colorado seem to be a bit down this year.
Speaking of programs that have fallen, Miami lost to Florida International 30-24. I never thought I'd see the day when the mighty Canes would be taken down by a bunch of exchange students coached by former Tennessee head man Butch Davis Jones.
Also in the Big Ten Minnesota defeated Northwestern to get to 10 wins for the first time since I was in high school in 1904 and Wisconsin beat Purdue 45-24. That sets up a showdown next week for the Big Ten North title in Minneapolis, so the two teams will be battling this year for more than Paul Bunyan's Ass.
Yes, we are about to enter Rivalry Week, with all sorts of big matchups, like the battle for the Old Oaken Spittoon between Indiana and Purdue. The showdown in Ann Arbor, known as "how will Michigan lose to the Buckeyes THIS year?". The Egg Bowel in Mississippi. The Fruit of the Loom jockstrap known as the Apple Cup. Bedlam in Oklahoma. The emotion-laden tradition-rich eastern tussle between Penn State and Rutgers. And, most famous of all, down in Alabama, that famous life-saving medical invention and football trophy, the Iron Bowel.