2020 Week 12
December 15, 2020
We had some thrillers on Saturday evening. With all the excitement I almost felt like it was a normal college football season. Then I saw a wide angle stadium shot at Florida Field and I've seen bigger crowds at Miami Marlins games.
Florida looked to be steamrolling their way to a shot at the playoffs, but Coach Ogre and LSU, in spite of a difficult season, pulled a shocker, winning 37-34. The key play in the game occurred after an LSU drive was stopped on third down when a Florida player grabbed a loose LSU shoe and chucked it downfield in the fog. Florida was penalized 15 yards, the LSU drive stayed alive, and the Bayou Bengals booted a 57-yard field goal to win the game. Personally the game reminded me of the Egg Bowel last year when Ole Southern Piss leaked away their chance to win the game.
Coach Bryant was watching the game with me as he loves him some SEC action. He told me "that shoe toss was an incredibly embarrassing moment for the league. I've never seen an SEC scholarship athlete make such a horribly weak throw."
The other exciting finish occurred in Pasadena, as UCLA built a big lead but USC came from way behind to win. In fact, when the Trojans took possession of the rivalry trophy after the game they seemed really excited and took turns pounding the famous "Cheerleader Bowel".
The rest of the action was a bit more restrained. Sadly, the big Michigan vs. Ohio State game was canceled due to the virus, but we retained our annual tradition up here, Coach Bo and Coach Woody threw chairs at each other until they both keeled over in exhaustion.
In actual Big Ten games Iowa had little trouble with Wisconsin, cruising to a 28-7 victory. With that win they took possession of the David Heartman Trophy, named for the legendary Good Morning America host and a trophy that, in honor of a favorite delicacy in the two states, is comprised of pieces of David's hemorrhoids.
Undefeated Coastal Carolina had a tough battle against Southern Cal's JV team, but scored a late TD to defeat Troy, 42-38. I'm wondering if Coastal Carolina will be feeling its britches and move to annex next door neighbor expansion state East Carolina.
The craziest finish took place in Muncie, Indiana. Bald State led by 3 points with just seconds remaining and Western Michigan threw a pass, then pitched the ball around about two dozen times as Bald State's players and cheerleaders ran onto the field to celebrate, thinking the game was over. A Western player ran through the assemblage to score to apparently win the game. However, during the play one of the WMU lineman approached a Bald State cheerleader and suggested an unprintable act, so Bald State won after Western was penalized for an illegal pass.
The biggest shocker had to be North Carolina's blowout win over Miami, 62-26. Carolina, led by John Mackovic Brown, ran up 554 yards rushing and 778 yards in total offense. Every so often music legend Bob Marley, whose son played for Miami, will stop by to join us to watch the Canes play. So I said, "hey, Bob, what's up with the Miami defense?" Bob said "klskffackjdf!"
I keep on forgetting that, due to his deadly tumor, Bob had his brain removed so he's a bit hard to understand. His lyrics are more decipherable these days though.
Next week we have a weird mix of conference title games, rescheduled cancellations, and random matchups. I know what I'll be watching - no, not the ACC or SEC title games. I'm fired up due to the reinstatement of my favorite trophy game, the Battle for Paul Bunyan's Ass. See you next week!