2020 Week 4
October 20, 2020
Well that durned virus sure has made a quagmire out of football this year. And my good friend Coach Bryant tells me that all these cancellations and delays have also made a mess of the heavenly fantasy football season.
I never really got into any of that fantasy stuff. I remember they used to bring all these old players back to Pitt for Panther fantasy camp as the school SID, namely me, had to do all the glad-handing etc.
One day some guy showed up and said he was glad to be at the Pitt fantasy camp and that his Panther fantasy was "to have Matt Cavanaugh hurl footballs at my bare ass". I said "oh really?" and promptly kicked him in the jimmy. He said "no, that's the wrong side". I told him "for that sort of action you want the Mark May fantasy dungeon, that's just down the street". He thanked me and left. I don't understand these Pitt fans sometimes.
The virus of course had an even bigger impact on the news. We were all shocked the other day when we heard the guy with the bad dye job who is on all those TV ads of late came down with the virus. At first we were confused as they said Satan had the virus, which led to much rejoicing here as I'm sure you can imagine. Then we heard it was Coach Nick Satan. My good friend Dave Diles said "heck, Beeno, Coach Satan doesn't have COVID. COVID has Satan".
As one could expect, COVID got rid of Coach Nick pretty quickly and found more fruitful territory in Florida coach Dan Mullen, who decided to host a 90,000 person COVID party at Florida Field before the school officials came to their senses. So because of that we missed the LSU at UF matchup that afternoon, which was good news for Gator Nation because, as I've always said, LSU is like Dracula. They suck the most at night.
I'm also a bit confused by all these play-in games before the real conference schedules start next week. You've got various SEC teams like Tennessee and Florida eliminating each other from contention even before they start playing actual conference games.
We've had some interesting up and comers. R Kansas seems to have finally turned things around now that Coach Butthead has taken his cheesy poofs and departed. The Hawgs topped Ole Southern Miss 33-21 and their very fine linebacker, Bumper Pool, had another excellent game. He's the finest named defensive player from the Midlands since Hairy Colon of Missouri.
Bring 'Em Young is putting together a great season. They're undefeated after beating regular Houston 43-26. I'm guessing the BEY Cougars are anxiously awaiting their matchup with the University of Texas at Houston. For some reason the guys from behind the Zion Curtain really have it in for U.T.A.H.
Many pundits have joked that an atheist is a person who doesn't care who wins when Notre Dame plays SMU. Which reminds me, where's the Pony? Has anyone seen the Pony? ND and SMU didn't meet last week but the Irish won a slugfest over the St Louisville Cardinals, scoring 6 runs in the bottom of the third to prevail 12-7. SMU continued their unbeaten season with a tense overtime win over the Tulsa Golden Showers, 37-34.
Those weren't the only religious schools in action - in fact two of the more famous such schools played each other as Temple and South Florida celebrated a belated Rosh Hashanah with the Awls winning 39-37.
There was one bigtime upset as John Mackovic Brown's UNC Tar Heels went to Tallahassee and lost to Florida State 37-34. That's a huge win for the Seminoles, who earlier this year looked like they were about as bad a football program as they were when they were a women's college and started my good friend Lee Corso at quarterback.
FSU's SEC South rival Miami pulled away from Pitt, 31-19. I'm not sure when Coach Nadd Dogg is going to get the Panthers over the top. Not yet, that's for sure.
Clemson had little trouble with Georgia Tech, winning 73-7. The Rambling Wreck was just that.
Liberty pulled a big upset at Syracuse, pulling away for a 38-21 win at the Terrier Dome. I hear the Flamers were fired up by their former President Jeri Falwell Jr and promised to "Win one for the Zipper".
The big game of the week took place in Tuscalooa as the aforementioned Satan's minions dominated the second half to beat Georgia, 41-24. I haven't seen a bunch of Bulldogs get drowned in a Crimson Tide like that since Michael Vick's days in Blacksburg.
Speaking of Alabama, this Saturday, October 24th, is their annual matchup with Tennessee, which means the Third Saturday in October is coming a bit late this year. But the SEC has never been big on calendars. Or, given what happened in Gainesville, basic hygiene. See you next time!