December 20, 2020

This of course has been a really strange season. One of the challenges is trying to make bowel game picks when the games have just been scheduled. But I'm dedicated to keeping up with the world of college football thus I spent my Sunday doing research rather than shopping. So this year, when he opens my gift, I hope Coach Bryant isn't disappointed that, inspired by my bowel research, I gave him a Cologuard Gift Card.

There were going to be some new post-season games this year but there were a lot of cancellations. I was really disappointed that the brand new game La Bowel would not be played. I'm sure players, coaches, and fans were excited to head to check out La Bowel in Butte Montana. Maybe next year.

So, there are a lot fewer games to cover this year and we won't have wall to wall football the way we usually do. On the flip side we won't have as many 6-6 Boxcar Bowel teams. Sadly that means the Boxcar Bowel in Shreveport, the best spotlight for such teams, has been canceled. Instead of 6-6 teams we'll have 2-4 teams playing 3-7 teams in front of 157 family members. Gotta love bowel season!

And I've just learned that the Boxcar Bowel had upped its game this year by inviting a 9-2 Army team. Then the game got canceled because not enough Pac-8 teams were interested in going boweling, so now Army is bowel-less. And here I thought an Army marched on its stomach.

I am disappointed that some name teams will not be appearing in bowels this year. Penn State, Michigan, and the Song Girls. The Song Girls always make me think of bowels and it just won't be the same without them.

I can't wait for the action to get started, fortunately it starts tomorrow. Here's my commentary on the bowel games this season:

Monday, December 21: The Myrtle Beach Bowel (Hilton Head, South Carolina). Appalachian State vs. North Texas

One of the newest folks up here is the pride of North Texas State, the lovely Phyllis George. So I was really excited when she stopped by our little college football enclave. First thing that happened was she kicked me in the shins then punched me in the gut. That was a mistake on her part, she bounced backward pretty quickly.

I was a bit surprised by all this, then she said "Beeno, I've been mad at you for years. After Penn State bombed Nebraska years ago behind Larry and Bryant Johnson you said 'I haven't seen a licking like that involving a bunch of Johnsons since Phyllis George's audition for The NFL Today'. That wasn't me servicing all the network officials. It was Irv Cross."

I guess my eyesight in the 70's was worse than I thought.

As for this battle of expansion states, I have to go with the Mountain Men over the Lean Green.

Beeno's Pick: Appalachian State

Tuesday, December 22: The Famous Anus Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Tulane vs. Nevada

There's nothing for guys from New Orleans quite like spending Christmas week on a blue field outdoors in Idaho. Nevada has had an up and down year in the WAC while Tulane had a nice win over the Army Black Knights, making them one of the few teams more worthy of a bowel than Army. I'm guessing they'll close out the year with another win.

Beeno's Pick: Tulane

Tuesday, December 22: The Mar-a-Lago Boca Raton Bowel (Fort Lauderdale, Florida). Central Florida vs. Bring 'Em Young

BEY was off to a great season but got tripped up in expansion state Coastal Carolina. Central Florida gave Cincinnati a really tough game before falling 36-33, which was pretty impressive given the upswing that the Bengals are on. UCF has been piling up the yardage and BEY has played great defense. I don't know what to expect but think the Fighting Morons will take the win.

Beeno's Pick: Bring 'Em Young

Wednesday, December 23: The British Petroleum Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). La Tech vs. South Georgia

This is why I love the bowel season. A foreign company sponsoring a bowel that matched up the finest Spetsnaz troops from the Caucasus against the Fighting Frenchmen of La Tech. I have to give the edge to the Frogs, while both teams will be flying in from Europe, La Tech will be more comfortable around all those people speaking Cagin'.

Beeno's Pick: La Tech

Wednesday, December 23: The Blue Grey Carmelo Anthony Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). Memphis State vs. Florida Atlantic

Now I sure miss the Blue Grey Game. You'd get the players from teams that weren't good enough to play in bowels playing what amounted to two-handed touch on Christmas Day in front of a bunch of Alabama people who hated their family enough to leave home to watch football in person on a 40-degree day. Talk about excitement!

Memphis is another team that's had an up and down season. But I think they'll have enough to beat Florida Atlantic. Memphis might have had more trouble with FAU archrival Florida Pacific.

Beeno's Pick: Memphis State

Thursday, December 24: The Ron Mexico Bowel (Frisco Texas). Hawaii vs. Houston

Apparently they moved the traditional Christmas Eve Hulu Bowel this year to some high school stadium in Texas. It was always fun tuning in the Hulu Bowel before watching Midnight Mass though there's usually more hitting at the Vatican. This year I think the Rainbows will run into a buzzsaw.

Beeno's Pick: The Oilers

Friday, December 25: The Rerun Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). Marshall vs. Buffalo

Some of you have been kind enough to let me know that the Buffalo team is not the team that is tearing up the AFC this year. Apparently they're a college team located in the same city as the Bills and have been competing in the Mid-American conference.

The good news is that they get to play a school that used to be in the MAC but has moved on to several other leagues including the Atlantic 10, the Pan-american Interscholastic Schools Sports league, and the geographically incorrect Florida Undergraduate Consortium. I think this will be a tight game.

Beeno's Pick: Marshall

Saturday, December 26: The Bill Laimbeer Bad Boys Bowel (Tampa, Florida). South Carolina vs. Alabama-Birmingham

South Carolina has had a tough season, ending up at 2-8. But, thanks to their blowout win over powerhouse Vanderbilt, they were deemed good enough for a bowel game in Tampa. In the game they'll face the champions of Conference UFO, the mighty Blazers of that Crimson Tide satellite campus in Birmingham.

Man I remember the good old days when Bama and Auburn would contend for the Iron Bowel trophy at Legion Field instead of playing at Jordan-Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa. Now they've got a satellite campus team playing there and the Tide stays on campus because nobody wants Satan tied in with anything called Legion.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama-Birmingham

Saturday, December 26: The Cured Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Coastal Carolina vs. Liberty

It's great that we will have a matchup between two up and coming programs that used to be known for 16th seed basketball teams and deviant presidents. Now they're known for fine mid-major football and deviant coaches. That's quite a step up. While Coach Freeze is trying to rehabilitate his reputation, his guys won't have enough in this one.

Beeno's Pick: Coastal Carolina

Saturday, December 26: The Perineum of Dallas Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Texas San Antonio vs. Louisiana-Lafayette

It's also good to see some of these satellite campuses. Satellite campuses have had some great success in recent years, especially California-Los Angeles and the University of Texas at Houston. I'd expect UTSA to be the next Texas satellite school to have some success, but not in this game.

Beeno's Pick: Louisiana

Saturday, December 26: The Niemann Marcus Dollar General Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Western Kentucky vs. Georgia State

Now Western Kentucky has won quite a few lower level championships but they seem pretty competitive at this level as well. Meanwhile the Bulldogs' JV team hasn't been half-bad either. I think it will be another victory for Coach Richt's program.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia State

Tuesday, December 29: The Camper Van Beethoven Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Miami vs. Oklahoma State

This is a matchup of Jimmie Johnson's two schools. I'm surprised Jimmie hasn't joined us up here yet, he looked 60 about 30 years ago. Of course I'm guessing he may not be coming up this way given his status as a pork-faced Satan. In the game I fully expect Oklahoma State to score frequently with its Chubby.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Tuesday, December 29: The Taco Bell Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Texas vs. Colorado

This could be an old school type game, back when these two schools were powers a few decades ago. They also have very similar fight song, so fans may be confused when the bands are playing. Oh, wait, there won't be any fans. Or bands. And half the rosters will probably opt out. What can I say, it's 2020.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Wednesday, December 30: The Wal-Mart Belk State Championship Game (Charlottesville, Virginia). Wake Forest vs. Wisconsin

This would be a better basketball game than a football game, so maybe they can do one of those challenge things as a lead-in. As for the matchup, when in doubt go with the team that has its linemen hooked up to lard IVs.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Wednesday, December 30: The Justin Bieber Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Iowa vs. Missouri

These are two neighboring states that haven't really competed since Missouri applied for SEC membership in 1861 by running around massacring Union soldiers in the Midwest. The Huckeyes started off slow because they didn't even play the first two months, then they started badly and lost two straight, but closed the season on a roll. I think they'll have enough to take down a Big 8 team.

Beeno's Pick: Iowa

Wednesday, December 30: The Texas Schoolbook Suppository Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Oklahoma vs. Florida

They're going to be piling up the games in JerryWorld, we'll have the Cotton Bowel then the Rosey Bowel then the Cowboys playoff game. Oh wait, never mind.

These are two teams that seemed to be in contention for a national title until they started playing real teams (or, in the case of the Gators, when they played LSU and started throwing apparel around). I see Kyle Trask going honey badger on Spencer Rattler.

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Thursday, December 31: The Kim Jong Un Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Ole Southern Piss State vs. Tulsa

This is going to be a fine matchup. The Pirate's new home is in Starkville, which is about as far away from waterways as his previous homes in Lubbock and Pullman. So we now have a bowel honoring the armed forces which features, instead of a 9-2 Army team, a 3-7 Ole Southern Piss State team against the Tulsa Golden Shower. Maybe they can honor the Space Force at halftime.

Beeno's Pick: Tulsa

Thursday, December 31: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Tennessee vs. Western Virginia

I've always thought these two schools would be natural rivals. Knoxville isn't that far from the Thomas Jefferson State. The two schools could play at the Bristol race track and draw 200,000 fans and 350,000 teeth. While the Vols had a rough season, apparently their big win over Vanderbilt impressed Marcus Liberty. Beating Vandy seems to be a big deal this year. Western Virginia at least managed a winning record, but they didn't have a win over Vanderbilt, so they probably are the underdog. In this case I'm picking an upset.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Thursday, December 31: The Dick Rodriguez Arizona Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). Bald State vs. Stan Jose State

These MAC teams are sure getting around this year. But this will be a tough matchup for the guys from Muncie as Stan Jose has emerged as the strongest team in the Bay Area including the 49ers.

Beeno's Pick: Stan Jose State

Thursday, December 31: Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). R Kansas vs. TCU

The one problem with the limited schedules this year is that teams didn't get to play all their games. So even last weekend you had some makeup games, like the battle for Paul Bunyan's Ass in Madison WI. In this case you've got a makeup game being played in a bowel, with R Kansas and TCU renewing their Southwest Conference rivalry.

Speaking of Wisconsin and R Kansas, I was pleased to see that their former coach got hired by Illinois. Good luck to Coach Butt-head with the Illini!

Beeno's Pick: TCU

Friday, January 1: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Cincinnati vs. Georgia

Cincinnati has had a fine season, with an exciting win over the Tulsa Golden Showers to clinch their league title. Now they'll have to go marching down I-75 to Atlanta to take on Uga and company. I'm thinking they'll meet their match in this one.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Friday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Auburn vs. Northwestern

Northwestern has been a pretty good program except when they haven't been. Auburn has been a great program except when they lose four games and fire their coach again. In normal circumstances I'd go with the team with the intact coaching staff but there's something about the Wildcats that makes me nervous. Of course that may be the oregano I sprinkled on my pizza last night.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Friday, January 1: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Northwestern University (Pasadena, Texas). Alabama vs. Notre Dame

Well, this is going to be quite the change of pace. The Rosey Bowel is a legend in southern California, and the only time it was ever moved was a month after Pearl Harbor when they played the game in Durham, NC. But this is a strange year and so the Tournament of Roses will be in the DTFW metroplex.

I'm really looking forward to the parade, as it's one of the great spectacles. In the regular parade all the floats are made of beautiful roses. I'm guessing they'll take a more Texas approach this year and all the floats will be made of delicious BBQ.

I just hope they're careful about the route, I don't think it would be a good idea to have a bunch of famous people parading past the Schoolbook Suppository Building.

As for the matchup, we'll get to see the Church's favorite team up against their greatest foe, Satan. Alabama has definitely shown some vulnerability on defense so it will be interesting to see if coach/wrapper B Kelly can find a creative way to penetrate that doesn't involve water sports. On offense Sark has put together an attack that leaves foes punch drunk, which is fitting.

Overall I think the Tide has too much firepower for the Irish.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Friday, January 1: The Brazilian Wax Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Clemson vs. Ohio State

This is a rematch from last year's semis, when Clemson benefited from some Huckeye mistakes as well as a couple strange referee rulings to pull out a win over Ohio State. I'm sure Ohio State will be focused on revenge and will have enough players to field a team.

Up here Clemson vs. Ohio State games are not a lot of fun to watch. Coach Hayes has some very bad memories of Clemson. I think every day he puts a pin or two into his Charlie Baumann voodoo doll in the hopes that Charlie's time on earth is limited. He told me "I've got a score to settle with that punk".

All that being said, I think this will be a tougher game for Ohio State than last year's matchup. Watch for heartthrob Joey Lawrence Jr to have a big game and for Ohio State's passing attack to struggle as Clemson lines up yet another rematch against Alabama. Not since the heyday of the Yankees and Dodgers have we had predictable annual championship matchups. And that was baseball - when I talk about baseball vs. college football, I prefer the sport that doesn't have overweight roided up overpaid guys. Overweight, roided up, and overpaid are not words that come to mind when I'm thinking about Alabama and Clemson's linemen. No, not at all.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Saturday, January 2: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Kentucky vs. North Carolina State

Kentucky, at 4-6, was another robust bowel candidate. Not only did they have a win over Vanderbilt, they were impressive in making plays down the stretch to beat the Commodes 38-35. Few other Vandy foes had to prove themselves at gutcheck time, usually because they were ahead by five touchdowns. NC State had a pretty good season, pulling out some close wins. I expect that to continue and they will take a narrow victory.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina State

Saturday, January 2: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Indiana vs. Ole Southern Piss

In spite of the relative records, with Indiana having been far more impressive, this should be a good matchup. Indiana has an injured Penix and won't be able to get it up (or down) the field as well. Ole Southern Piss has had an up and down season in a very tough league, but did have a big win over Vandy, so must be an impressive team. I'm predicting a tight game settled by a late fumble by Mr Layla Kiffin's boys.

Beeno's Pick: Indiana

Saturday, January 2: The Nintendo PlayStation Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Oregon vs. Iowa State

It's been a strange year as Oregon, the runner-up in the Pac-8 West, got to play East division champion Southern Cal for the title while Big 8 runner-up Iowa State got a rematch against an Oklahoma team they'd already beaten, lost, and got bumped down to play in Arizona. As I said, none of this makes sense. I expect Oregon to put on a great offensive show but think the Cyclones will bounce back quite well and outscore the Beavers.

Beeno's Pick: Iowa State

Saturday, January 2: The Cheetos Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Texas A&M vs. North Carolina

Aggie fans are angry about being left out of the BS playoffs, but I think it's important to note that the reputation of the Southwest Conference has taken a hit of late. Meanwhile North Carolina, behind former UT coach John Mackovic Brown, has really turned things around. Look for Kellen Mond to throw balls all over the field, with most of them going to his own team's receivers. It will be enough.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M