2021 Week 7
October 20, 2021
After all the excitement of the previous weekend it's not surprising that the college football games last weekend were a lot more dull.
Many top teams had the week off and many other ones had cupcake opponents. Alabama had little trouble with Ole Southern Miss State, clobbering the Pirates 49-9. I'm guessing the loss to the Aggies caused the Tide's coach to light a Satanic fire under his guys. I know that Coach Nick's ties to Beelzebub don't play well with my good friend the Bear, but Coach Bryant avoids discussing it. That may change if Bama pushes to rename Bryant-Hare Stadium something like Mephistopheles Field or the Million Dollar Band plays "Yo Alabama" from a marching Pentagram formation.
Elsewhere in the SEC, #1 rated Georgia had little trouble with upstart Kentucky, pounding the Wildcats 30-13. But the real shocker was LSU's wire to wire win over Florida, as the Gators fell 49-42 to the Bayou Bungholes. I was very disappointed to hear the announcement the next day that Coach O is going to be let go at the end of the season. I always enjoy watching Coach Ogre's post-game interviews, though it's better when I have closed captioning on so I can understand what he's saying. The closed captioning usually quotes him as saying stuff like "Pounded gumbo then quarterback overthrows jumbalaya alligator gizzard stones broke tooth ouch! Go Tigers!"
Speaking of coaches who were always sometimes tough to understand, my good friend Bobby Bowden joined me to watch the Miami vs. North Carolina game. Late in the game, with Carolina leading 45-42, the Canes were driving and were in easy field goal range. Unfortunately for Miami, on third down their quarterback Ryan Van Dyke Jr was hit and the ball popped in the air and was picked off by a Tar Heel to seal the win. At least that's what I saw. Bobby kept on yelling "wide right! wide right!". I said "coach, that wasn't a field goal kick that was blocked and went off to the right, it was a pass that was tipped to the right". "No, it was wide right! I know wide right when I see it!".
I'm thinking Coach Bowden has been stuck for 30 years in one of those stages of football grief, the "catatonic chanting" phase.
My Pitt Panthers continue their fine season with a win over Virginia Tech. Coach Nard Dogg seems to be doing quite well, as long as his players aren't going up against MAC teams.
I saw on the ESPN crawl that Prairie View only scored 35 times against my daughter Beth Cook. She's slowing down as she gets older.
UCLA beat Washington 24-17 and Oregon beat Cal 24-17. 24-17 is almost the ideal Pac-8 score. Just enough success on offense mixed with random incompetence that keeps any of their teams from running the table. To that point, Stanford followed up their impressive win over the Oregon Beavers with two consecutive losses to lower level programs like the Arizona State Sun Devils and the Washington State Fighting Viruses.
We are getting into trophy game season. The Michigan State Fighting Chippewas held off the Indiana Hoosiers in Bloomington to reclaim the Old Oaken Urinal. Oklahoma State beat Texas 32-24 to take possession of "Sark's Cognac Collection".
I'd like to congratulate the Yukon Huskies, who broke a long losing streak with a home win over Yale. That's a good way to get out of a slump, fly a bunch of Ivy League guys up to Whitehorse and let them freeze for a day before pounding them on the football field.
The Seaman U Midshipmen had a narrow win over Toledo and celebrated by sailing Lake Erie just like their legendary alum Commode Perry.
There were two unfortunate incidents last weekend in big games. Purdue upset #2 rated Iowa in Iowa City and the Huckeye fans responded by throwing objects on the field. Meanwhile Tennessee fell at home to Ole Southern Miss with the Vol fans bombarding former Tennessee coach Monty Kiffin with a variety of objects, including golf balls, abscessed teeth, and personal devices thrown from the I Felta Thigh sorority student section.
Now when things get rambunctious like that sometimes the best solution is to make use of the thrown product to show that you're not bothered. This was exemplified perfectly during the Iowa game when a beer bottle was thrown at a Purdue lineman. He grabbed the beer, drank it, and belched.
Coach Kiffin tried to do something similar - when he was hit by a golf ball he immediately put it into his mouth and started to swallow it. Then he got hit by a bag so he grabbed the bag and was ready to swallow it as well but started coughing up the golf ball so had to stop. Which was good because the bag was actually the elderly Volunteer bloodhound mascot Smokey's colostomy bag. You don't want to eat a colostomy bag. Trust me on that.
I wish I could anticipate another exciting weekend, but I've looked at the matchups and it looks like blowout city. Oklahoma vs. Kansas. Penn State vs. Illinois. Alabama vs. Tennessee. And Notre Dame vs. South Carolina. But at least they're still playing, so after last year I can't complain too much.