December 16, 2021

Well we managed to make it through an entire season without too much drama, though now with this new variant we are starting to see professional leagues games get canceled. Personally I'd have preferred it if the omicron had burned out by late August so we could start football season on time - that is, after wiping out the baseball season.

I'm also glad to see we are back to a full slate of bowel games. Last year you had games on random days, sometimes with what amounted to doubleheaders at the same site. Some games ended up in strange new locales, such as the Rose Bowel being moved to a suburban Texas shopping mall. Not only that, some teams with losing records got to play in bowel games. I find it outrageous, only the best 6-6 teams should be making it to the post-season. Speaking of that, due to the shortened schedule last year there was a serious lack of boxcar bowel games.

And, while I'm busy complaining, last year USC was 5-1 and didn't play in a bowel and this year they were 4-8 and still didn't play in a bowel. I'm suffering from a serious lack of Song Girl action. You think they could have lent them out to another school because beautiful young cheerleaders definitely enhance my bowel experience.

The BS playoff system decided to let some new teams in, so we are seeing Nick Satan's guys joined by Georgia, Michigan, and the Bengals. There will also be dozens of other bowel games before the BS games and then some after that, climaxing with the a scintillating matchup between Kansas City State and LSU in Houston on January 4th.

All the action gets started a full 8 days before Christmas, so let's get started with the overviews!

Friday, December 17: The Bahamas Bowel (Nassau, Long Island). Middle Tennessee vs. Toledo

I really like the idea of kicking off the bowel season with a noon game on a workday. It gives all the people who can't get enough of MACtion an excuse to take a day off from work, skip shopping, and settle back to watch some college football. Middle Tennessee has been up and down this year while Toledo has epitomized MACiocrity. Given that this game will be played along the Atlantic but in a frigid NY environment, I'll go with the northern team.

Beeno's Pick: The Mud Rockets

Friday, December 17: The Curio Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Northern Illinois vs. Coastal Carolina

You have to love the emergence of these expansion state powers. It was a great idea, when there weren't enough public schools with college football teams, to start carving out new states so they could have college football of their own. Coastal Carolina and Northern Illinois are two fine examples of how well this has worked.

My good friend Vince Lombardi was pretty excited about former Michigan State Fighting Chippewa and current Northern Illinois quarterback Rocky Lombardi. But he's pretty mad about Rocky's curls, he says Rocky needs a crewcut to make it in the pros. Vince is still a bit old school, he gets his hair cut 5x a week then lets it "get shaggy" over the weekend.

Beeno's Pick: Coastal Carolina

Saturday, December 18: The Miami Chamber of Commerce Boca Raton Bowel (Boca Raton, Florida). Western Kentucky vs. Appalachian State

More expansion states! The Appalachian State Mountain Men have become a mid-major powerhouse in recent years, in some ways supplanting Western Kentucky Hilltoppers from the same role. Record-setting quarterback Bailey Zappe, son of the famous Moon Unit Zappe, will lead WKU in this matchup but App State is tubular.

Beeno's Pick: Appalachian State

Saturday, December 18: The Ron Mexico Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Texas El Paso vs. Fresno State

These games are pretty tough to pick because you never know who is more motivated or has some other intangible going for them. Sometimes it's a subtle angle, like a defensive line coach leaving or a tight end opting out. Sometimes it could be something like travel - after all, El Paso is just across the border from bowel host nation Mexico. But sometimes the key factor is not at all subtle: UTEP sucks at football.

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Saturday, December 18: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Bring 'Em Young vs. Alabama Birmingham

I give the good people at Shreveport some credit. They got rid of the Weed Eater sponsor and they also got rid of the 6-loss teams. Unfortunately they didn't line up the best possible foe for BEY, drawing Alabama's satellite campus. The Stormin' Mormons will make mincemeat of UAB.

Beeno's Pick: Bring 'Em Young

Saturday, December 18: The Lending Tree Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Eastern Michigan vs. Liberty

The Eastern Michigan EMUs have been on the rise in recent years, sometimes even being the finest college football team in Washtenaw County. Liberty has been up and down more often than Mrs. Falwell. The star of the show is Liberty quarterback Malik Willis, who will be trying to make an impression on NFL scouts by opting out at halftime and running drills along the sideline during the game while his backups take the snaps.

Beeno's Pick: Liberty

Saturday, December 18: Admiral Kimmel's La Bowel (Butte, Montana). University of Texas at Houston State vs. Oregon State

I think it's great that my good friend Admiral Kimmel is sponsoring a bowel game and I guess it's also good that it's not the Hulu Bowel. That's still a bit of a sore topic for him so we don't bring it up, well, except for Coach Hayes. Woody loves to get into anyone's grill on military history stuff.

U.T.A.H. State won their league this year but Oregon State hasn't won the Pac-8 since the days of leather helmets. But I think we will see a fine show from the Ducks.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon State

Saturday, December 18: The New Orleans Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Marshall vs. Louisiana

I'm glad to see the Thundering Nerds back in a bowel game. Marshall has had an excellent run over the years starting with Randy Moss and continuing through today. The Ragin' Cagin's are back in New Orleans for this one and should be a significant edge.

Beeno's Pick: Lousiana

Monday, December 20: The Myrtle Beach Boxcar Bowel (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina). Tulsa vs. Old Southern Dominion

OSDU may not be exactly a powerhouse, but neither is Tulsa. In fact neither team is really that good. Yet they're playing in a bowel game that's the only college football game played on that day. And we are all going to watch these two lousy teams compete because we love football.

Beeno's Pick: Tulsa

Tuesday, December 21: The Famous Anus Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Kent State vs. Wyoming

Now I like the new trend at the Potatoe Bowel. The winning coach gets french fries dumped on him, which would taste a lot better than Gatorade.

As for the game you have mediocre teams from mediocre divisions playing in frigid conditions. So basically it's the collegiate equivalent of a Cleveland/Chicago NFL game at Soldier Field. I give a slight edge to the Cowboys.

Beeno's Pick: Wyoming

Tuesday, December 21: The Frisco Non-Classic Bowel (Frisco, Texas). Texas - San Antonio vs. SDSU

For a minor bowel game this is a really good matchup of teams with very good records. UTSA is led by the wonderfully named Sincere McCormick while South Dakota State is coached by Tom Brady's cousin Hoke. SDSU has slid a bit since their outstanding start and I think they'll come up a bit short here.

Beeno's Pick: Texas - San Antonio

Wednesday, December 22: The People's Liberation Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Army vs. Missouri

The Cadets had a nightmare game against Navy last week, falling short to their archrival. Missouri doesn't have that problem as they no longer play any of their archrivals, instead preferring to get pounded by every school not named the Vanderbilt Commodes. Army likes to run the ball. Missouri doesn't like to tackle running backs. This one could get ugly.

Beeno's Pick: Army

Thursday, December 23: The Frisco Classic Bowel (Frisco, Texas). Miami Ohio vs. North Texas

Following up on the UTSA/SDSU Frisco non-classic game, we'll also have the Frisco classic game which will match two teams that otherwise would have stayed home for the holidays. I'm just sorry they couldn't have found a way to invite the Song Girls to the game to cheer so they wouldn't be stuck at home too.

Beeno's Pick: Miami of Ohio

Thursday, December 23: The Gasparilla Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Florida vs. Central Florida

It's always a challenge to play weaker programs from your area. There's a ton of risk and very little reward if you win. And if you lose you'll never hear the end of it. So there's a lot of pressure in this game on the more established program. I don't think the favored name program can withstand the pressure and I pick the plucky upstarts from the down and out program to pull out the win.

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Friday, December 24: The Youtube Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Memphis vs. Hawaii

I've always made a point to watch Midnight Mass from the Vatican on Christmas Eve. But only after the Hulu Bowel is done. College football takes priority over everything! As for the game, I think Memphis has struggled all year and Hawaii is playing at home, which means everything points to a Rainbow Warriors victory. So I'm going with the Tigers.

Beeno's Pick: Memphis

Saturday, December 25: The Blue Grey Carmelo Anthony Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). Bald State vs. Georgia State

Even better than a Christmas Eve game, they've now brought back the Christmas Day Blue Grey game, although without all the star players from teams that weren't good enough to play in bowels. Instead we'll get star players from a MAC school and from the Bulldogs' JV team. I've seen UGA's recruiting rankings so this is an easy pick.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia State

Monday, December 27: The Quickie Lane Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Western Michigan vs. Nevada

Western Michigan has had a fine season with a strong dual threat quarterback and some fine running backs. But Nevada's passing attack, in an indoor stadium, will likely be too much.

Also the game will be played at 11 a.m. Eastern time, so the 3 hour time difference is an advantage for Nevada since it will be 2 p.m. in Reno, a more normal time to start a game.

Beeno's Pick: Nevada

Monday, December 27: The Military Bowel (Annapolis, Maryland). Eastern Carolina vs. Boston College

I'm not sure which of these teams represents the military, though I have been in South Boston on St Paddy's day and seen drunken Massholes marching around. Their discipline, however, was a bit questionable, I don't think the Army really has much tolerance for projectile vomiting.

Boston College has turned it around since dropping football post Gordie Lockbaum. I think they'll have just enough to overcome the expansion state Pirates.

Beeno's Pick: Boston College

Tuesday, December 28: The Birmingham Bowel (Birmingham, Alabama). Houston vs. Auburn

Auburn has had a frustrating season with a blowout loss to Georgia and a devastating four overtime loss to the Tide in the Iron Bowel. They truly earned their boxcar status by closing out with a four-game losing streak. They won't have enough to match up with Houston.

Beeno's Pick: The Oilers

Tuesday, December 28: The First Responder Bowel (University Park State College Station, Texas). St. Louisville Cardinals vs. Air Force

This will be a fascinating matchup. The Air Force, in spite of their name, is one of the last of the true triple option teams while the Cardinals feature one of the best top to bottom lineups out there. Look for Paul Goldschmidt to help the Cardinals mash their way to victory.

Beeno's Pick: St. Louisville Cardinals

Tuesday, December 28: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). UCLA vs. North Carolina State

Coach C Kelly hasn't been quite as successful as his wrapper brother B Kelly of late, but he seems to have finally righted things at the satellite campus in Los Angeles. NC State was most recently seen overcomming a two-score last minute lead against their archrivals while UCLA was annilating USC. So both closed out their seasons strong. I think UCLA's varied rushing attack will be enough in this one.

Beeno's Pick: UCLA

Tuesday, December 28: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Texas Tech vs. Ole Southern Miss State

This game will be fascinating as OSMS coach Rick Leach gets to face his former school, Texas Tech. The Pirate will certainly be out for revenge against the school he is still suing because he claims they still owe him money, he even said he would fight Texas Tech "until he dies".

I'm expecting some real onfield drama. Texas Tech will likely try to psych out Coach Leach by putting the Pony's son in a transparent sideline closet. Which reminds me, whatever happened to the Pony? Has anyone seen the Pony lately?

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss State

Tuesday, December 28: The Guaranteed Rate Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Minnesota vs. Western Virginia

Minnesota closed out the season strong with a win over archrival Wisconsin for possession of Paul Bunyan's Ass. Western Virginia was relatively mediocre this year as cross-state rival Virginia seemed to be the power in the state.

This game is a real test to see who truly loves college football - it's being played on a weeknight at 10:15 p.m. Eastern time. If you stay up to the end of this one, you're about as sick as I am.

Beeno's Pick: Minnesota

Wednesday, December 29: The Bucky Dent Fenway Bowel (Boston, Massachusetts). Virginia vs. Southern Methodist

Rivalries and inferiority complexes sometime drive people to do pathetic things. For instance Texas A&M has a fight song that's all about a school they don't even play, UTEP. We also see it in Boston College's Frodo-like obsession with Notre Dame.

Speaking of Boston and inferiority complexes, a few years ago the New York Yankees decided to host a cold weather bowel game in their baseball stadium. So now the Boston Red Sox decided to do likewise, host an even colder weather bowel game in their baseball stadium.

Also apparently this stadium has something called a "Green Monster", which sounds like something that emerges when my good friend Lou Ferrigno has a bit too much to drink and drops trou.

Anyway this should be an interesting lead-in to the far more prestigious fleabag bowel game in Yankee Stadium the next day. I give a slight edge to the pride of the SWC.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Methodist

Wednesday, December 29: The Derek Jeter's Pinstriped Bowel (New York, New York). Virginia Tech vs. Maryland

I'm still a bit confused about these conference lineups. I guess at some point VPI left the Big East or whatever it was called and joined the ACC so you'd think this was one of those odd bowel games matching teams from the same league. But apparently Maryland dumped the ACC in favor of the Big Ten, though I'm not sure who the Big Ten dropped to stay at their traditional 11-team lineup.

Maryland is led by Tuba Tuiasosopo's brother Cornet. His name is fitting as he's not quite as flashy or loud or shiny or heavy as his big brother. Virginia Tech was led by head coach Tito Fuentes but now has no coach, which may be for the better anyway.

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Wednesday, December 29: The Cheez-It Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Iowa State vs. Clemson

This could be called the Disappointment Bowel as both teams were expected to achieve big things this year but fell flat on their faces. People these days worry about players opting out of bowel games but I think the real issue here is coaches opting out: Clemson has lost about half their coaching staff while Iowa State's coach Dan "Kneecaps" Campmbell is so busy interviewing for jobs that he hasn't been in Ames in weeks.

I think the Tigers still have enough talent to leave Orlando with a solid victory.

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Wednesday, December 29: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Texas). Oklahoma vs. Oregon

Here are two more disappointments - Oregon looked to be on its way to a great season after winning in Columbus, but fell apart late and lost their coach to a traditional power that's down on its luck. Oklahoma looked to be on its way to a great season after a bunch of surprisingly close wins, but fell apart late and lost their coach to a traditional power that's down on its luck.

Neither team has much motivation for this one, which makes it a bit of a crapshoot, and there's nothing better than a bowel that's a crapshoot. I give a slight edge to OU's passing attack.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Thursday, December 30: The Coach K's Jizz Bowel (Charlotte, Carolina). North Carolina vs. South Carolina

Now this is some creative bowel scheduling - matching up two programs from the state of Carolina who, due to conference ties, rarely play. And playing the game at what amounts to a neutral site halfway in between reminds me of the Red River Shootout.

The sponsor name is a bit concerning, I'm not sure who would want to buy such a product other than my good friend Dick Vitale.

I pick North Carolina to build a solid lead then nearly blow it in the last minute, leading to an exciting win for Coach John Mackovic Brown.

Beeno's Pick: North Carolina

Thursday, December 30: The Justin Bieber Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Tennessee vs. Purdue

You know we're getting into the fun part of bowel season when we start seeing Big Ten vs. SEC matchups. You just don't get those sort of big-name conference battles in Boise.

I'm expecting a high-scoring contest with two great passing attacks, well, Tennessee and passing haven't really been a thing since the days of Peyton Manning Sr. So maybe one great passing attack and another team that throws a lot of screens.

The Boilermakers have had a surprisingly solid season and I think it continues with a fine bowel victory.

Beeno's Pick: Purdue

Thursday, December 30: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Wisconsin vs. Arizona State

The Badgers got off to a slow start this year, losing to top 10 teams like Notre Dame and Michigan as well as a faux top 10 team like Penn State. Then they really turned it on and rampaged through the Big Ten West, which is about as impressive as a lousy Texas team trying to make its way through a Mountain West schedule. It does look like Coach Christ has the lard IVs working again.

Arizona State is led by NY Giants nightmare fuel Herm Edwards. He's on the hot seat for some reason though it's not like Arizona State has been a powerhouse in the last couple decades. So he'll be under a lot of pressure to win, but I'm going with the Badgers.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Thursday, December 30: The Katie Couric Peach Bowels (Atlanta, Georgia). Michigan State vs. Pitt

My Panthers finally have a big-time bowel berth as Coach Nard Dogg gets to take on his former team, the MSU Fighting Chippewas, in Atlanta. It sounds like the star players will be opting out to prepare for the NFL draft so this one could lose its star power with top players like Kenny Walker and Kenneth Pickett III likely not to play. Given that I think it will come down to defense and I'm thinking Pitt will win. Either that or it's just a reflection of my desire to see Pitt finally win a meaningful game for the first time since I had only two chins.

Beeno's Pick: Pitt

Friday, December 31: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). Wake Forest vs. Texas A&M

The Demonic Deacons will take on the Aggies in Jacksonville. I wonder how former FSU coach Jim Bob Fisher feels about playing a bowel game in the home stadium of his archrival the FU Gators.

As for the game, Wake Forest has had a great offense, at least when playing ACC defenses, while the Aggies looked brilliant in beating Alabama and Prairie View but not so good against LSU and Colorado. I think Wake won't have quite enough to win.

Beeno's Pick: Texas A&M

Friday, December 31: Tony the Tiger's Bowels (El Paso, Texas). Miami, Florida vs. Washington State

So this game could get interesting for off the field matters. Turns out that Tony the Tiger's owner, Kellogg, has a strike going on, which could mean violence and tear gas, that is, stuff you'd see at any 1980's Miami home game.

Unfortunately for the Canes, this isn't the 1980's anymore. Fortunately for Miami, Washington State is about at the level of 1980's Miami arch-foe East Carolina.

Beeno's Pick: Miami, Florida

Friday, December 31: The Dick Rodriguez Arizona Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). Seaman U vs. Boys' State

I felt bad for the Midshipmen going into the game vs. Army but they pulled that one out. That was very impressive. Now they have to play the school most known for smurf turf at the stadium of the school most known for smurf wide receivers. Midgets may be easy to step on but they'll gobble up the Seamen.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Friday, December 31: The Tampax Cotton Bowel Classic (Arlington, Texas). Alabama vs. Cincinnati

So here is the first of our two BS semi-finals. Nick Satan brings Alabama to Texas to take on Cincinnati and their movie star Coach Waterboy. Bama looks to be rolling after some early season stumbles, that is, except for their game against R Kansas. And their Iron Bowel performance. Cincinnati played a much easier schedule as the Steelers are down this year. So I give the edge to the Tide.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Friday, December 31: The Beta Carotine Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Michigan vs. Georgia

The Bulldogs have been here before, with a 2018 playoff appearance that led to two exciting overtime games. Michigan has not been here before, with their seasons usually effectively ending with unexciting blowout losses to Ohio State. Jack Harbaugh finally got over the hump with the Wolverines and the Bulldogs looked like world-beaters as well, at least until the SEC title game. So this game is quite the mystery, and will determine which team will advance to delude themselves for 10 days that they can hang with Alabama. My money is on the Dogs.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Saturday, January 1: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Penn State vs. R Kansas

The R Kansas Hoggs have been one of the breakthrough teams of the season, if by breakthrough you "lost to every good team they played other than the Aggies who don't really count because, you know, Aggiezzz".

Penn State got off to a roaring good start and even had a win over Auburn. Then they started to lose close game after close game, including that epic 9 overtime 2-pointer shootout against Illinois. I'd ask JoePa about that Illini game except when I ask for him nobody wants to talk about it. Haven't seen him around at all. Not sure what's going on.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State

Saturday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Iowa vs. Kentucky

The Huckeyes looked great whenever the other team was handing them the ball. Once teams stopped doing it Iowa started losing. Except against Nebraska, because everyone beat Nebraska.

Kentucky was like R Kansas, they looked great except when they played someone good. Or Tennessee. Or Ole Southern Miss State. So maybe they didn't look so good after all, especially when they were handing the other team the ball. I sense a pattern here.

Beeno's Pick: Iowa

Saturday, January 1: The Fiesta Bowel (Tempe, Arizona). Notre Dame vs. Oklahoma State

The Irish have struggled in big-time bowels in recent years but get another shot against the T Boon Cowpokes. Their new coach Marcus Freeman will have a great chance to impress the Irish fan base before they start clamoring for the next coaching search to commence.

Oklahoma State had a really dramatic loss against Baylor as a Cowpoke running back dove for the pylon. Sadly, he was stopped just two inches short, which reminds me of my date with Gloria Swanson.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Saturday, January 1: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Cologuard (Pasadena, California). Ohio State vs. The University of Texas at Houston

The optics of the Rose Bowel have gotten messed up in recent years. Last year of course we had the move to Texas. And in other years we've gotten away from Big Ten vs Pac-8 matchups. So I was saddened to see that this oddball approach has continued with a team from Houston taking on the Huckeyes.

I'm also concerned with just the introduction of a bad element into Pasadena. You've got these backwoods fans unfamiliar with the great traditions of the Rose Bowel who will be drunkenly spitting chaw all over the beautiful grass field. And then you have the fans from U.T.A.H.

Beeno's Pick: Ohio State

Saturday, January 1: The Brazilian Wax Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Ole Southern Miss vs Baylor

Now this is the sort of Sugar Bowel I can get behind - a matchup between the SEC and the SWC. I still fondly some classic matchups like Texas beating the Tide and Joe Namath. Of course that was in the Orange Bowel in Miami. There was also Georgia having a great defensive effort to knock off Texas 10-9. Though that was in the Cotton Bowel. There was also R Kansas' 1982 28-24 win over UCLA. Which was in the Astro-Bluebonnet Bowel.

Okay, so maybe there isn't the conference rivalry provision in this Sugar Bowel, just a bunch of drunken fans screaming at even drunker offensive coaches. I can get behind that.

Beeno's Pick: Ole Southern Miss

Tuesday, January 4: The Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). Kansas City State vs. LSU

We top off the bowel schedule with a classic matchup. I'm just upset that the coaching situation is such a mess. New Tiger coach/wrapper B Kelly won't be on the sidelines. Which means his bad habits with young ladies and #1 won't come up against KCSU's Deuce #2 Spurlock.

Beeno's Pick: LSU