December 13 , 2023

Well, I admit I've been anxiously waiting since last January for the start of the most blessed time of the year, when we get to poke around and examine all the bowels.

You see, us sports fans put up with a lot over the year once the bowels finish in early January. There's the NFL playoffs where the networks spend 13 hours dissecting each matchup. That level of analysis should only be reserved for truly important world news, like the Weedwhacker Bowel.

Then we get to college basketball, where we get stuck watching four games at once on a split screen. The only time a split screen makes sense in college sports is when multiple Song Girls are kicking up their legs.

And then we move on to baseball. And more baseball. And minor league baseball. And prime time matchups between San Diego and Oakland that don't even involve Daryle Lamonica, John Hadl, or Fred Biletnikoff.

I heard someone last week say the rules changes in baseball had made the games faster than at any time since the Dead Ball era. Hell, I entered a Dead Ball era when I was in my late 30's, no way in hell I want to return to that.

Finally we return to football. With endless pre-season games and college scrimmages. Around Labor Day we get to something meaningful - the college football regular season. The college football regular season is the most fascinating of all sports regular seasons - the college football regular season truly matters because it helps decide which teams get to 6-6 and become eligible for one of the many boxcar bowels that so highlight our late December TV viewing.

So let's sit back, break out a few cold ones, and enjoy the finest of all traditions, college football bowel season.

Saturday, December 16: The Myrtle Beach Boxcar Bowel (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina). Georgia Southern vs. Ohio

Speaking of boxcar bowels, we start off with one of the finest. There's nothing like kicking off bowel season with a fine boxcar mid-major like Georgia Southern taking on Ohio.

Normally I'd go with the Bobcats thanks to their fine 9-3 season, but it looks like half their offense is opting out to transfer to Wake Forest or Indiana. Usually mid-major players transfer up in competition not down.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia Southern

Saturday, December 16: The Salivation Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Florida A&M vs. Howard

This game every year has the best battle of bands and cheerleaders. Not only that it's a great mascot battle - you've got the Rattlers against the Bison. That's almost as violent a matchup as the Badgers against the Longhorns. Or Coach Corso against his urges.

I'll have to go with the one team from Tallahassee that's actually playing for a title.

Beeno's Pick: Florida A&M

Saturday, December 16: The New Orleans Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Jacksonville vs. Louisiana

Coach Dick Rodriguez has landed on his feet leading Jacksonville to a bowel game - at first they said Jacksonville was not eligible for a bowel game this season but they changed their minds and let them in. Their reward is to take on Louisiana, which used to be one of the directional Louisiana expansion states before they reunited the entire state as regular Louisiana.

As for the game, I think DickRod and TLaw have the edge.

Beeno's Pick: The Jaguars

Saturday, December 16: The Avocados from Napoli Curio Bowel (Roma, Italy). Miami Ohio vs. App State

I appreciate trying to make college football more of an international game. At first it was just foreign schools like Yukon, New Mexico, and La Tech. Now they're moving bowel games overseas. I just hope they resurfaced the Coliseum before someone gets hurt.

Beeno's Pick: App State

Saturday, December 16: The Ron Mexico Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Fresno State vs. Ron Mexico State

At least this foreign game is played in North America. Sadly Fresno coach Ted Ford won't be available for health reasons - get well, coach! Ron Mexico State will have their coach, former Minnesota Golden Buffalo leader Jerry Kill, who has overcome his past health issues and had one of the great upsets of the year, pounding Auburn at Bryant-Hare Stadium.

Aside from the coaching drama, both teams may be missing their quarterbacks as well. But the show must go on! I predict a low scoring tilt.

Beeno's Pick: Ron Mexico State

Saturday, December 16: La Gronk's Bowel (Butte, Montana). UCLA vs. Boys' State

Both these teams have lost players to the transfer teleportal, but it's even worse than that as UCLA is missing some coaches who transferred as well. It is nice that NFL legend Gary Danielson's son is doing so well as Boys' State interim coach. I wonder what Gary is up to these days.

I'm saddened that the sponsor of this bowel has changed. I always liked Admiral Kimmel and thought he got a raw deal with the investigation. Also I enjoyed the puking Admiral Kimmel camel outfit as it reminded me of my brief navel career.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Saturday, December 16: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Texas Tech vs. Cal

I'm very glad that this game has gotten back to its roots. The Boxcar Bowel should always match up two 6-6 teams. Cal has re-emerged somewhat after a few down years. Tech has never gotten over the loss of the Pirate. He's been a great addition up here but I wish he was still coaching down below. Mainly so I wouldn't have to listen to him second guess every offensive play call, even when a team is in victory formation. I predict Tech will be able to pass the ball at will.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Tech

Monday, December 18: The Famous Toastery Bahamas Bowel (Charlotte, Carolina). Western Kentucky vs. Old Dominatrix

Now I get the idea of moving bowels when there's construction going on, reminds me of the mess that's known as "my colostomy surgery". But moving from the Bahamas to Charlotte seems like a bit of a letdown for the two teams involved. Western Kentucky seems to be going into the game without several offensive linemen so I expect the legendary ODU "whips and chains" pass rush to get through.

Beeno's Pick: Old Dominatrix

Tuesday, December 19: The Scooter's Coffee Frisco Non-Classic Bowel (Frisco, Texas). Marshall vs. Texas-San Antonio

The Roadrunners have really emerged as a program of late - they're not having quite as good a season this year but should have an easy jaunt up IH-35 to this classic bowel being played in Frisco. Not the fun Frisco, this is the Frisco with a lot of strip malls and big hair. I'm not sure about the sponsor but I look forward to the winning coach being doused with their product and getting second and third degree burns.

Beeno's Pick: Texas-San Antonio

Thursday, December 21: The Miami Chamber of Commerce Boca Raton Bowel (Boca Raton, Florida). South Florida vs. Syracuse

Another exciting boxcar matchup! Syracuse fired their coach, Dino Babers, yet still managed to qualify for a bowel. South Florida had the same record but apparently is happy with their coach. The glass is either half empty or half full. Usually the bowel is half empty or half full too, but in this case it might be a truly poopy matchup.

Beeno's Pick: South Florida

Friday, December 22: The Gasparilla Pirate Booty Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Georgia Tech vs. Central Florida

And here's yet another boxcar game! Expansion state Central Florida has really emerged as a program over the past few years and has become a bowel regular. Georgia Tech, under a new coach, beat teams like North Carolina and played UGA tough - this after getting bombed by Boweling Green. I foresee an intense battle as two mediocrities fight to the finish to avoid ending up 6-7.

Beeno's Pick: Central Florida

Saturday, December 23: The Birmingham Bowel (Birmingham, Alabama). Troy vs. Duke

I think I'd go with the Men of Troy even before we start getting into the opt-outs. But Duke has lost most of their top players to the portal and lost their coach to Texas A&M. Meanwhile nobody wants to leave Troy. Must be the Song Girls.

Beeno's Pick: Troy

Saturday, December 23: The Blue Grey Carmelo Anthony Bowel (Montgomery, Alabama). R Kansas State vs. Northern Illinois

You guessed it - another boxcar bowel! In this case we've got the pride of the Sun Belt taking on the pride of the MAC in front of 4,000 disinterested spectators who are procrastinating their Christmas shopping. I forget which Butch is coaching R Kansas State - the one who stole xerox copies of tests at Chapel Hill or the one who bombed out at Tennessee. Either way they're gonna lose to the Salukis.

Beeno's Pick: Northern Illinois

Saturday, December 23: The People's Liberation Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). James Madison vs. Air Force

James Madison became legible for bowel games due to there not being enough teams with winning or boxcar records. This should be quite the matchup, it's unusual to see an Armed Forces Bowel have a team with double digit wins. JMU lost their coach to Indiana while Air Force has had relative coaching stability for decades. My gut tells me that the Academy will take this one. My gut also tells me that I need to eat fewer jalapenos. It tells me lots of things, I trust it.

Beeno's Pick: Air Force

Saturday, December 23: The Famous Anus Potatoe Bowel (Boise, Idaho). Georgia State vs. U.T.A.H. State

Yup, another boxcar bowel. This will be quite a long trip from Georgia and Texas up to the land of the blue turf. And I'm sure the fans will enjoy being outdoors in sub-freezing weather. I know I'll enjoy watching them being outdoors like that while I sit in my heated recliner with the mini fridge stocked with Rolling Rock, wearing my depends, so I don't even have to get up.

Beeno's Pick: University of Texas at Houston State

Saturday, December 23: 69 Adventures with Milli Vanilli's Bowels (Mobile, Alabama). Eastern Michigan vs. South Alabama

Expansion state South Alabama gets themselves a bowel that's a home game. Eastern Michigan will be traveling into a snake pit, especially once the Mobile Leprechaun makes an appearance in the trees above the stadium. I still chuckle about that one, the only real leprechaun in college football is a dwarf kept in a dungeon underneath the Rock pool in South Bend. Or so I'm told. My instincts tell me to go with the home team.

Beeno's Pick: South Alabama

Saturday, December 23: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). Northwestern vs. U.T.A.H.

Northwestern has had a remarkable season - after losing their longtime coach Fitz due to a hazing scandal few expected them to be in a bowel, at least not in a bowel football game. But interim coach David Braun did a great job leading the Wildcats to a winning record. Meanwhile U.T.A.H. had another fine season in spite of key injuries. I think the Texans will take this one.

Beeno's Pick: University of Texas at Houston

Saturday, December 23: The Netflix Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). Stan Jose State vs. Coastal Carolina

Usually the Hulu Bowel is the biggest entertainment available on Christmas Eve, but this year it's a very late night Saturday game on the 23rd. I'm not sure what worthwhile entertainment there will be on Christmas Eve. The Vatican Midnight Mass doesn't feature enough tackling.

Normally I'd be picking Coastal but I think they might be stuck playing a WR at QB so I'll go with the Spartans.

Beeno's Pick: Stan Jose State

Tuesday, December 26: The Quickie Lane Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Minnesota vs. Boweling Green

Minnesota became the only team with a losing record to qualify for a bowel thanks to having players keep up on credits, which seems to be rewarding a team for being too studious and consequently failing on the field. Talk about providing bad incentives! This should be a fine MAC vs. Big Ten matchup and I'm sure there are dozens of people who will stay in on Boxing Day and watch this game.

Beeno's Pick: Minnesota

Tuesday, December 26: The First Responders' Bowels (University Park State College Station, Texas). Texas State vs. R.I.C.E.

It's good that we are now allowing some of our finer JV teams to enjoy bowel season. These guys work very hard and rarely get any reward. Even the girls who hang around the JV programs are nowhere near major college quality. The JV Longhorns will take on Rhode Island Continuing Education, probably the finest night school football program in the nation. The Awls will come up short.

Beeno's Pick: Texas State

Tuesday, December 26: The Guaranteed Hate Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Kansas vs. UNLV

The Jayhawks have turned things around for their first bout of continued success since Coach Mangino was around to collapse the sidelines. UNLV has also had a fine season until a couple late losses. Unfortunately for the Rebels, the losing will continue.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas

Wednesday, December 27: The Go Boweling with Kim Jong Un Military Bowel (Annapolis, Maryland). Tulane vs. Virginia Tech

I'm still confused by some of these sponsors. I'm pretty open minded but I'd have to believe that supreme leader Kim's bowels are not anywhere any person would want to go. Trust me, once you get beyond a certain weight things can get pretty messy.

Tulane has already lost their coach, may lose their quarterback, but won't lose the game.

Beeno's Pick: Tulane

Wednesday, December 27: The Coach K's Jizz Bowel (Charlotte, Carolina). Western Virginia vs. North Carolina

It's probably a good thing that UNC quarterback Drake Maye is opting out of this game. While this is a relatively new bowel game, it's already led to the most disgusting tradition in sports. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would be for a victorious UNC coach to have an archrival coach's "produce" poured over his head, so it makes sense that UNC would throw this game by sending their QB off to the NFL.

Western Virginia has no such hesitation about grotesque bowel rituals like the jizz pour. In fact their fan base has been known to top that, such as the time at the Gator's Bowels when a WVU fan dropped a deuce on a Georgia Tech band member's seat. So look for more backwoods fun in Charlotte.

Beeno's Pick: Western Virginia

Wednesday, December 27: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). St. Louisville Cardinals vs. Southern Cal

Billie's Bowels is usually one of the most entertaining tussles, matching up a couple teams that will score points, play pretty well, and provide a close result. This year may be different as star USC quarterback Caleb Williams has decided to opt out. In doing so he will join his defensive teammates, who opted out around 2021. Because of that I expect the Cardinals to slug their way to victory.

Beeno's Pick: St. Louisville Cardinals

Wednesday, December 27: The Texas Bowel (Houston, Texas). Oklahoma State vs. Texas A&M

This would normally be a big game for A&M, as Oklahoma State's most recent performance was a blowout loss vs. Texas. And, given that the Aggie War Hymnal includes 373 references to Texas as well as several rituals involving castration of longhorn cattle, you know Texas A&M would like to beat Oklahoma State by more points than Texas did.

Unfortunately, all the top notch recruits who went to A&M the last couple years but saw their checks bounce are now headed elsewhere. Look for Ollie Gordon to run wild through the Aggies like Cocaine Bevo.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Thursday, December 28: The Bucky F'in Dent Fenway Bowel (Boston, Massachusetts). Southern Methodist vs. Boston College

Frodo gets a chance to get to a winning record near their campus in Boston, while SMU has to fly all the way up from Dallas for the contest. I'm not sure how they're going to fit the field in that bandbox of a stadium, though maybe the one end zone will run up the side of the Green Monster.

Which reminds me of that St Paddy's Day when my good friend Herb Street drank a bunch of green beer then started asking women if they wanted to see his Green Monster. I had to tell him that the food coloring they put in the beer doesn't interact with one's skin. That didn't deter him; he was on a mission. After about 17 slaps to the face he relented and return to our table. I don't understand Herb at times.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Methodist

Thursday, December 28: Aaron Judge's Pinstriped Bowel (New York, New York). Rutgers vs. Miami of Florida

Well if they're going to have these games in stupid facilities like baseball stadiums they may as well play the baseball stadium matchups back to back. Rutgers is the State University of New Jersey. Being "the" State University of New Jersey is like being the smartest guy on ESPN's First Take. Can't stand those shows. Just bloated heads talking up a storm. My head used to dominate the screen but at least I had the discretion to wear a neck clip so it wouldn't take up 90% of your TV set.

Miami will be missing a lot of key personnel but still should have enough to overcome the Scarlette Knights.

Beeno's Pick: Miami of Florida

Thursday, December 28: The Poop Tarts from the Bowel (Orlando, Florida). North Carolina State vs. Kansas City State

Now these Poop Tarts are a strange product. You're supposed to put them in the toaster and let them heat up. So I try that and it comes out all gooey. And, frankly, they taste like crap. Literally. I must be doing it wrong.

Both these teams will be auditioning new quarterbacks so there should be plenty of random passes to opposing players. The team with more pick sixes will win and it should be a high scoring game.

Beeno's Pick: Kansas City State

Thursday, December 28: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Texas). Oklahoma vs. Arizona

Roman Gabriel's grandson Dylan has already transferred to Oregon to replace Bo Jackson's grandson. That's a big loss for the Sooners. Arizona, under Jedd Fisch, had a really fine year in the WAC and are now looking like a future power. I see them winning a tight one behind QB Noah Fifitata, whose name sounds like that of a French stripper.

Beeno's Pick: Arizona

Friday, December 29: The Gator's Bowels (Jacksonville, Florida). Clemson vs. Kentucky

This could be one of the better bowel matchups. You have a Clemson program that has fallen below their great run of a few years ago and a Kentucky program that has started to win consistently but still can't take on the big boys (so in that sense Coach Stoops is like his brother Big Game Bob).

Beeno's Pick: Clemson

Friday, December 29: Tony the Tiger's Bowels (El Paso, Texas). Notre Dame vs. Oregon State

This one looked like a pretty good matchup at first. But now Oregon State has seen their coach return to the MSU Fighting Chippewas - I look forward to Jon L Smith's second go around in East Lansing. And many of his top players are following him out the door, including both of his quarterbacks. And Notre Dame's quarterback along with a number of other guys will be sitting out as well. Hopefully neither team will have to resort to one platoon football.

Beeno's Pick: Notre Dame

Friday, December 29: The Marcus Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Memphis vs. Iowa State

Here's another hometown playoff game. I'm not sure what the line on the game will be, but I'd be worried about the Iowa State players taking the under. Memphis has become a reasonably good mid major and Iowa State is a mid major hiding out in the Big Eight, so this could be a pretty close game.

Beeno's Pick: Iowa State

Friday, December 29: The Tampax Cotton Bowel Classic (Arlington, Texas). Ohio State vs. Missouri

The Huckeyes looked to be solid favorites in this one until almost all of their skill position talent disappeared into the portal. Maybe they can find a way to restore Tate Martell's legibility.

Missouri was the surprise of the SEC this year, playing LSU and Georgia tough on their way to a 10-2 record. Their goal was to make a major bowel; their reward is a trip to Dallas in December. They'll arrive in town grouchy but come home happy.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Saturday, December 30: The Katie Couric Peach Bowels (Atlanta, Georgia). Penn State vs. Ole Southern Piss

I have to give these two teams some credit - they effectively finished as the third or fourth best team in their respective leagues yet very few of their players are opting out of this bowel. That's an echo of the good old days when players played all the games no matter how flea baggy the bowel game was. My good friend Lee Corso once told me he'd never seen a bowel he'd opt out of.

Southern Piss has had great offensive output and now they'll face a defense ready to stop them. When Penn State is on defense it will be the irresistible object against the immovable force. When Penn State is on offense there won't be any objects or forces fron either team. Just a slush of failure.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State

Saturday, December 30: The Kanye Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Auburn vs. Maryland

It's good to see Hugh Freeze back in action again. At least on the football field. Could do without all those special visits he would make to the professional ladies. Though I think even the most strung out hooker would have rushed more than 2 guys against Bama on 4th and 31.

Maryland has had an up and down season behind Cello Tuiasosopo. They played both Ohio State and Michigan tough but lost to Illinois and Northwestern. Look for them to get things straightened out and pull off a nice win.

Beeno's Pick: Maryland

Saturday, December 30: The Beta Carotine Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Florida State vs. Georgia

This is the bridesmaid bowel as both teams were left out of the BS playoffs. Florida State went 13-0 and won their league but were passed over in favor of once-beaten Alabama due to their QB being injured.

After that decision came down my good friend ole Bobby Bowden came by and was swearing up a storm. At least I think he was swearing. It was hard to tell, he was talking so fast and his jowls were juggling up and down. Eventually I did heard him clearly - he said something like "get away from me Nick Satan". Then his head spun around in a circle and he fell over and bled for a while. When he got back up again his eyes were red. The only thing I took from this was that Coach Satan has quite a reach to get into things with people up here.

Georgia looked great, a little off from their last two seasons but still one of the best - then they ran into Alabama. And now they're stuck playing a mid Saturday afternoon game against a team that's even more annoyed than they are.

This could be a great game between two of the finest. Or it could be a boring slog played by two distracted teams. Either way it will be college football so I'll love it.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Saturday, December 30: The Dick Rodriguez Arizona Bowel (Tucson, Arizona). Toledo vs. Wyoming

This game has now been moved from regular TV to something called Barstool Sports. Now I happen to like barstool sports. My favorite barstool sport was called "hit that CBS Sports idiot over the head with this barstool".

Toledo looked headed to the MAC title then they ran into Miami. Now they're out in Tucson, their quarterback has left them, and the Wyoming coach is retiring. That all points to a Cowboy victory. No, not those Dallas posers, I mean the real cowboys in Laramie.

Beeno's Pick: Wyoming

Monday, January 1: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). LSU vs. Wisconsin

Bayou Bengal star J Don Daniels capped a great senior year with the Heisman Trophy. It's still not clear whether he will play in the Outback Bowel. His team will go up against a Wisconsin team that doesn't have to worry about whether their quarterback will opt out as the only thing their QB does is hand the ball off to Braelon Allen. Who has opted out.

Coach Waterboy's gonna have to figure out a few things. Meanwhile Coach B Kelly will sit back and watch water sports tapes and wait on Daniels' decision. Either way LSU will win.

Beeno's Pick: LSU

Monday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Iowa vs. Tennessee

As a great man once said, "you can't spell Citrus without 'U T'." And I'd note that you can't spell "man this offense is the worst ever" without "I O W A". I don't see how Iowa moves the ball much against even an average Tennessee defense and I have to believe the Vols will pull out a low scoring victory.

Beeno's Pick: Tennessee

Monday, January 1: The Fiesta Bowel (Tempe, Arizona). Oregon vs. Liberty

Liberty is this year's group of 5 sacrificial lamb, except sometimes those teams end up winning the game because the other team doesn't take them seriously. This will not be one of those years. Oregon, behind Bo Nix and his merry band of mercenaries, will pummel the Flames like the Lynchburg police at a rave. This one will get out of hand early and we'll just turn off the TV, kick back, and think about the next two games.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Monday, January 1: The Rosey Bowel, presented by Cologuard (Pasadena, California). Michigan vs. Alabama

So I guess the granddaddy of them all is hosting one of the BS semi-finals, featuring two traditional powers led by two of the more notorious grandfather aged coaches in the game.

Nobody has matched the Tide's fine record over the past 15 years, perhaps nobody ever (sorry, Bear). I don't think anyone has done more for the reputation of The Dark Lord than his offspring Nick Satan. Well, except for Joan Crawford, boy she was a handful, trust me. Fortunately she's not hanging around up here.

Michigan is led by a wily veteran, Coach Harbaugh. He's so clever that he's found a way to take half the season off and rest up. Gotta be tough to keep your energy level up when you're in your 80's like the former Western Kentucky coach.

I'm guessing next year Coach Jack will find a way to take another mid-season vacation by getting suspended again, probably for doing something insane like punching a Wisconsin assistant coach. I kid, nobody at a smart school like Michigan would do something that foolhardy.

Alabama may not be as strong as they've been in recent years, but they still come in to the contest with just one loss and a big win over Georgia. Their quarterback, Jalen Milroe, runs like Vince Young and throws like Gig Young, well a sober Gig Young.

Michigan has had a good run the last couple years, at least as long as they are playing the Huckeyes. Because of that my brain says to pick Alabama, but my third liver still calls the shots and it has bad memories of my last round of Alabama slammers.

Beeno's Pick: Michigan

Monday, January 1: The Brazilian Wax Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Washington vs. Texas

This is another exciting BS semi-final, with the Huskies coming in to the Big Easy from Seattle to take on the pride of the Lone Star State.

We've been saying that Texas is back for years, but here they are, back. Their QB Quinn Ewers has been steady all year except for late game struggles against the Sooners. He's managed to hold off much hyped prospect Peyton Manning III. Coach Sark has built a fine defense and has managed to avoid the Austin bar scene.

Meanwhile Washington hasn't had a great run since their quarterback BJ Hobert, who was the best quarterback named for a porn star before Dru Breeze came along.

Speaking of porn star names, the Huskies will be led by the sensational Michael Penix Jr. There's not much more that can be said about the Heisman runner-up, so let's just say that Penix exploded onto the scene at Indiana, but Penix's efforts were held back by the IU D. He transferred to Washington, where Penix had a fine season in 2022 with lots of scoring. But this year he was really solid - he improved his escapability under pressure - Penix was about as hard (to bring down) as any QB I've ever seen.

So this should be a great offensive showcase. I think, in the end, Washington drives the field and boots a late field goal to take it.

Beeno's Pick: Washington