2025 Week 9
October 27, 2025
We're starting to separate the wheat from the chaff and the highly paid coaches from their contracts.
I am sorry to see Bayou Bunghole coach and wrapper B Kelly get the ziggy. He seemed to be a very good fit for that program, the violet hue of his LSU polo shirt matched his face quite well. I'm not sure what's next for Coach Kelly, though he definitely could do a great job as a dialect instructor.
As for his replacement, there's a guy who's been cooling his heels who had a great run at LSU back in the day along with other head coaching experience. It might take a lot of money to bring him out of retirement and back to Baton Rouge, but I bet they'd have a good shot at landing Les Miles.
Ha ha. I kid. Les isn't the former national title winning LSU coach I was thinking of, I was thinking of someone bigger than Les. The Tigers should bring back Coach Ogre. It would help them instantly settle coach O's buyout and therefore free up cash for Coach Kelly's buyout, so it's a win win. And the press conferences would be much more entertaining with Coach Kelly's affected drawl replaced with an authentic cagin' accent.
On the other end of the coaching scale is Coach Cig and his mighty Hoosiers. They annihilated UCLA 56-6 in front of a packed house in Bloomington. A couple basketball icons stopped by to watch, my old friend Bob Knight and my new friend Bill Walton. I expected some fireworks from those two, especially after Coach Knight kept on demanding that Indiana go for 2 after each touchdown
But then Bill gave Bob couple gummies, and Bob kept gobbling them down. Pretty soon Bob was singing showtunes and one of Bill's friends, some bearded guy named Jerry, came over and played guitar. Then about 100 filthy hippies who worship this Jerry guy showed up to watch. I started to complain about the smell, then Bill gave me a pill and pretty quickly I was having nightmares of a hydra-headed Bronko Nagurski buck naked in the Minnesota locker room. I don't think I'll be inviting Bill to watch any more games.
Vanderbilt continued their excellent season by scoring late to beat Missouri 17-10. Meanwhile Ole Southern Piss jumped out to a big lead in Norman then withstood a Sooner comeback to win 34-26 and Coach Kiffin opened his post game presser by asking if any other jobs had opened up that day.
Elsewhere in Magnesium state football, Texas ran back a late punt as part of a big comeback and won in overtime. The fans in Starkville were not happy. I didn't even know that a cowbell could fit in that particular orifice.
There were some fine trophy games in the Midwest. Iowa hamblasted Minnesota 41-3 and retained possession of the farming services of Floyd Rosedale. Michigan defeated Michigan State 31-20 and kept the Paul Bunyan Trophy. I finally got a good look at that trophy from behind, it's about as flat in back (and front) as that Audrey Hepburn gal. And suddenly everything made sense - cutting off a piece of the Michigan/MSU trophy is how the Badgers and Gophers got their own rivalry trophy, Paul Bunyan's Ass.
In the top intersectional game, Rhode Island Continuing Education took down the Huskies from Yukon, 37-34. Also in cross-state rivalries, Kansas City State headed west across the Missouri River and beat Kansas, 42-17.
One of the more disappointing outcomes occurred in Chapel Hill as North Carolina, seeking their first ACC win, went to overtime with Virginia. The Hokies scored first and kicked the extra point then Carolina had their chance and scored. Now I'm still not sure about these overtime rules, I know that teams have to go for two at some point and that they moved it to an earlier session. So I guess UNC had to go for 2 in the first overtime but were stopped inches short of scoring. "Stopped inches short of scoring" kind of described Coach Belichick's evening plans. I hear his girlfriend, anticipating a win, had spent the early afternoon cooking victory cookies for the team. In her Easy Bake oven.
Finally I'd like to talk about some odd online scoreboard imagery. The University of North Texas visited Charlotte. Usually when the score is shown the visiting team is listed first, but when I looked online for the score they listed the C for Charlotte first then the University of North Texas acronym. I'm just glad the score was never 6-9.
This isn't the first time there's been an issue with these online scoreboards listing the visiting team last. I don't even want to talk about the time that Florida hosted the University of Central Kentucky. Or any game played by the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. Hopefully they get all this straightened out before Colorado has a home game against the University of Michigan.