ESPN and the Peephole
September 10, 2009
Many of you wonder where I was this past summer. While I'm always glad to wind down during the off-season, go on a diet, get those nips and tucks taken care of, this off-season veered in a different direction.
In early June my phone rang and it was my good friend Mike Tirico.
He said "hey, Beeno, I just wanted to give you a head's up. There's this major scandal at ESPN with our college football coverage".
I said "okay, Mike, what did you do to Holly Rowe this time?"
"No, Beeno, it wasn't me. I was told that someone stood outside a hotel room peephole and shot a video of one of our employees buck naked. They didn't tell me who it was, but they're getting really nervous over in Bristol".
The next day I get a call from some guy who said "I'm Mike Eiser, from Disney". I told him I was a big fan of Elmer Fudd but couldn't stand that stupid skunk Pepe Pearson.
He then told me that things had gotten too hot, how they were going to have me lay low for a while. I noted that while it might sound nice for me to lay low, I wasn't exactly in condition to do the Limbo. He said "we'll get back to you when it's okay for you to go on the radio with us again. And don't even think about going on TV".
The next day I start getting phone calls from old friends, asking if I was all right. I said "I don't feel a day over 80, well, except for my goiter, liver, and bowel". Each of them said "we were just concerned due to the pictures, just wondering if you're all there". Since my last diet had failed, I said "I'm all there and then some".
Finally I received this manila envelope and inside were some snapshots apparently shot through a hotel peephole. I'm not quite sure why I was in a state of undress, though perhaps I was doing a prostate self-exam.
In any event, apparently these pictures are all over the Internets and I'm now famous all over the world, including in 53 countries which have never even heard of college football.