2013 Week 3
September 18, 2013
We finally got into the meat of the college football schedule last week and not a moment too soon.
Up here beyond the pearly gates we get to interact with any number of famous football figures. It was my great pleasure to watch the big Alabama vs. Texas A&M showdown with Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant.
Now it was a bit of a dilemma for the Bear as he actually had coached both schools, but in the end he was pulling for his alma mater to beat the Horns. He did share with me some stories about the "Junction Boys" and his 1954 team in State College Station.
Turns out Bear used to do cup checks on his players. And I don't mean those wussy sippy cups, I mean the ones you load in the jockstraps. So Coach would punch each player in the jimmy.
Many of the players, in pain on a 100-degree day, would jump into the river to cool off the pain. Some would relieve themselves and find out that there was some blood. That's how the river became known as the Red River. My good friend Lee Corso told me that some of the players visited the A&M sororities that night and that's how they came up with the name "Red River Shootout".
I don't understand Lee at times.
In the end Nick Satan's minions were able to barely hold off Johnny Fussball. You'd think it was back to the days of USC and Richie "Bam" Cunningham out there against the Tide's defense.
Last weekend also featured the Big Ten/Pac 8 challenge. The Ohio State Buckeyes went into Berkeley and took out the Cal Golden Bears and 583 of their hippie fans. Washington went into Champagne and beat up the Fighting Illini. And UCLA came from behind to pound Nebraska.
That latter game led to some controversy, as Cornholio head coach Bo Pelini was caught on tape speculating as to which fans he'd like to make babies with. You always got to be careful about that. My good friend Lee Corso is now on a 7-second delay due to his comments about the fine hineys of the University of Oklahoma men's gymnastics team.
Speaking of hineys, I notice that my daughter Beth Cook scored with 34 international students from Florida. That gal sure gets around.
The biggest near upset of the weekend occurred in Ann Arbor, as the Wolverines narrowly pulled out a game against a minor opponent. It probably didn't help that they split their squad, as I saw those familiar helmets getting destroyed in a game against Navy.
Michigan's quarterback, Denard Gardner, is similar to Johnny Fussball, he's a dual threat. But my brother's childhood friend was the real dual threat, Aaron Burr.
The team that Michigan played, Alaska-Reading, Opthalmology, & Numbchucks, is an example of the impact of trade policy on college football. Thanks to this North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), we've got Canadian and Mexican teams playing college football. With AK.R.O.N. we've even got a team from behind the Iron Curtain. Michigan goes foreign again next week when they visit the Yukon Huskies.
This NAFTA stuff was probably most evident in Wisconsin's controversial loss. The Badgers apparently thought they were playing by Mexican rugby rules so tried to touch the ball down in the end zone.
There are many more schools from south of the border playing football these days. Pitt had to take on New Mexico. Texas got pounded by some new Mexican school, apparently named in honor of female bull fighters, called ole Miss.
Next week we go back to cupcake heaven, with big name schools hosting some weak sisters. We'll get bored to tears watching the Florida Aggies at Ohio State, Savannah at Miami, Maine at Northwestern, and Auburn at LSU. See you soon.