2013 Week 4
September 26, 2013
The one good thing about September drawing to a close is that maybe we'll finally get to see some top-notch conference matchups. It's been mostly cupcake games all month long.
Just check out some of these results: The Ohio State Buckeyes humiliating the Florida A&M Longhorns 76-0. The St. Louisville Cardinals bat-slapping the exchange students at Florida International 72-0. Washington clubbing Idaho State 56-0. It's pretty embarrassing, to see all these weak sisters get annihilated. It even spread to the ACC: Maryland invited one of the directional schools in the Thomas Jefferson State to come across the Potomac. Final score, the Twerps 37, Western Virginia 0.
The ACC apparently has been expanding again. I can never keep track of the teams, but it turns out my Pitt Panthers have finally found a conference after being an independent for years. It used to be the only trophy the Panthers could go after was the Jack Lambert Trophy, awarded to the Eastern team with the fewest teeth among its starting 22.
Anyway, you had to love the final score of their first ACC game: Pitt 58, Duke 55. My good friend Jay Bilas joked that it was a great ACC basketball opener. The joke's on you, Jay. ACC basketball games don't end up with scores that high.
Michigan ventured far away from Ann Arbor and returned with a 24-21 win over the Yukon Huskies, in a surprisingly close game. I'm guessing the Huskies had an advantage with those Canadian rules, being allowed to play 12 men, let them run past the line of scrimmage before the snap, and having extra large end zones.
I remember once telling my good friend Lee Corso about the Canadian football rule where you score one point for a "rouge". Lee said he used rouge all the time but never scored. I don't understand Lee at times.
Michigan's sister school, Michigan State, ventured to South Bend and lost a tight game to the Irish. The Fighting Chippewas had trouble holding onto passes. My good friend Mike Tirico pointed out that their wide receivers couldn't catch gonorrhea in a whorehouse. I didn't know Mike was a medical researcher.
Future Big Ten member Rutgers stuck it to an expansion state stalwart with their 28-24 win over R Kansas. Regular Kansas and former USC star and Irish coach Charles White had an exciting defensive battle in Manhattan, beating the La Tech Fighting Frogs and Lou Holtz Junior 13-10.
Speaking of Chuck's alma mater, the Trojans held on for a dramatic victory over powerhouse Utah State, 17-14. Monty Kiffin has really turned around the defense.
But the rest of the games mostly featured weak sisters getting beat by traditional powers, like Iowa over Western Michigan, Mississippi State over Troy, and Miami doing a Chris Brown bondage and domination number on Rihanna. I was especially disturbed to see that Florida State scored 59 times on my daughter Beth Cook. She's getting a bit older, I'm surprised she can still handle such a workload.
Next week should be a little bit better, with some good non-conference tilts like Oklahoma at Notre Dame. Even better, there will be some great conference matchups such as SMU vs. TCU in the Southwest Conference, LSU at Georgia, Ole Miss at Alabama, and the Minnesota vs Iowa showdown for the farming services of Floyd Rosedale. Talk to you in a few days!