2013 Week 5
October 3, 2013
We sure had a dramatic week of college football. Big-time conference games, great non-conference tilts, a couple firings, this is a fantastic time of year.
But I first want to discuss my concerns about some of this new-fangled technology. Now I know that you can do all sorts of things with your phones these days, and apparently there's this new game with a tie-in to college football you can play with your phone. It's sponsored by the Home Depot and is called "Corso's Cornhole Challenge".
Having spent a fair amount of time with my good friend Lee Corso, let me warn you not to try this game with your phone. Believe me, while Coach Corso may get some sort of vicarious pleasure, it's not very healthy to to stick your phone up your wazoo. So please don't try the Corso Cornhole Challenge.
The big news came off the filed this week. Yukon, after losing a game to the CFL's Buffalo Bills, fired their coach Paul Pasqualoni. Of course coach may have been having trouble learning all those fancy Canadian rules with three men in motion and the "C line". I was talking to my good friend Bronko Nagurski about the C line and he told me some interesting things about 1930's Minnesota cheerleaders and what they did in the pre-latex era.
The even bigger story was Southern Cal's decision to fire head coach Monty Kiffin after three tough seasons. Fortunately he can go back to his lovely bride Layla Starkey and resume his drumming career.
The biggest matchup took place between the hedges, as LSU took on UGA. The game went back and forth and featured such lousy defense that I thought I was watching a Big 12 game. In the end the Bulldogs pulled it out to take control of the SEC North race.
One of the best settings for college football is at West Point. Last Saturday Army knocked off the Frenchmen of La Tech, 35-16. I actually had the privilege of watching this game with Generals Pershing and Patton.
Whoo boy, those guys can swear up a storm, especially when watching anything involving France. I learned a lot, including that many Frenchmen worked in brothels during the war, pretending to be girls. General Patton said that General Montgomery used to repeatedly visit this one lady in Paris named "Ramona", "hell, Beeno, that Ramona son of a bitch had a tackle box bigger than Fatty Arbuckle's, yet Monty thought Ramona just had an extra large cooter".
Speaking of European influence, Idaho beat Temple 26-24, which I'm sure pleased all those anti-semitic types in Core Dalane.
Oklahoma went into South Bend and walked out with a 35-21 victory behind the Bulldozer, the unique nickname applied to OU quarterback Blake Bulldoze.
Elsewhere in the Midwest, Ohio State held off the Wisconsin Badgers to take the lead in the Big Ten Ledgers Division. Iowa stole the farming services of Floyd Rosedale from Minnesota to get to 1-0 in the Big Ten Losers Division.
Another Big Ten team didn't fare as well. The pride of the newest expansion state, the Northern Illinois Huskies, really stuck it to Purdue in West Lafayette, 55-24.
To add insult to injury, the Huskie mascot actually did what we would call a 2-point conversion on the field.
Now mascots lead a fairly difficult life, as do the people who breed them. I shared this story with you a few years ago.
In this case you had a Huskie mascot who was bred not just to have a very large head, but also to stand on his hind legs. Most dogs aren't able to do that, but these cruel mascot breeders end up making animals that have a difficult time balancing while walking around, posing for pictures, and talking to fans.
So this poor canine probably had had too much dog food as it is. Alpo doesn't mesh very well with the digestive tract, you'll have to trust me on that one. So he does what any two-legged doggie with a 30-pound head and intestinal cramps would do, he has to make a doody. It's too bad that it had to occur on Purdue's field, but they've gotten used to cleaning up disgusting messes after their own oversized mascot does bizarre things with his sledgehammer to the Golden Girl.
Next week we've got a big showdown at Stanford, Georgia's trip to Knoxville, and a big matchup between the newest Big Ten members in Tallahassee. See you soon!