2015 Week 5
October 14, 2015
I'd like to open up by expressing my sadness over the sudden unexpected departure of a college football legend. They take football mighty seriously beneath the Mason-Dixon line, so there is much sadness in one special college town this week as a true sports icon's retirement was announced and he will head off to pasture.
So many times I've watched him lead his team onto the field. He has always been known for his unique headgear, which stands out in a conformist college football world. He's seen great success, awards, even a national title.
Opposing fans find him infuriating and often mock him, but deep down you know they truly admire him. It's just sad that he's departing before his time.
So I want to express my condolences to the folks down in Austin over the retirement of their steer, Beavis XIV.
The most shocking story of the week was the firing of USC coach Steve Sarkisian. It turns out Sark was a bit fond of the Cutty. I'm sure his former teammates at BYU are fine with the drunken escapades as long as he stayed away from that devil's potion caffeine.
The Trojans have a big game this weekend in South Bend. I'm sure the USC players are all pretty upset, having lost a beloved coach. They'll sustain themselves with the many fond memories of Coach tripping over the chalk lines, emphasizing a point by vomiting on the chalkboard, and pulling down his pants and spinning around to help irrigate the field.
In the locker room this Saturday I'm sure the captains will get together and ask the USC team to "win one for the Sipper".
Meanwhile, the other USC also lost their leader, as the Old Bald Coach, Steve Superior, retired. I'm sure my good friend Coach Corso is upset that Steve quit the Cocks.
Since these things happen in threes, I'd advise everyone to closely follow the situation at the University of Southern Colorado.
On the field this week there was a lot of excitement. The TCU Horny Toads won a tight non-conference tilt over Kansas City State, 52-45. Another top non-conference tilt saw the Cal Golden Hippies play valiantly but lose to the University of Texas at Houston, 30-24.
Alabama continued to turn things around, pulling away late from R Kansas, 27-14. My Pitt Panthers also had an exciting win, beating Virginia by 7 points. Pitt seems to be adjusting very well to life in their new expanded conference, with their win over the newest Big Ten member, the Hokies.
The strangest game took place in Beantown. Wake Forest and Boston College played a defensive contest for the ages. Wake Forest finally prevailed, 3-0.
Now I'm still a bit confused by these overtime rules. After a scrum Wake Forest got the ball at the 5 with four downs then kicked a field goal for the lead and Boston College got their turn. For some reason, after another scrum, the refs gave BC the ball on the 1 yard line but only gave them one play before the clock ran out. I didn't even know they used a clock in overtime.
One of the bigger upsets took place out west, with Washington State holding off Oregon in overtime. What a great win for Coach Leach. I haven't seen a pirate stun a beaver like that since Blackbeard visited a New Orleans whorehouse.
Rhode Island Continuing Education had a tight win at Florida Atlantic. I'm sure the R.I.C.E. team was very pleased they didn't have to make a much longer trip to play Florida Pacific.
There were a couple big name games. Tennessee nipped Georgia to kick off the Mark Richt retirement tour. And Texas ended its tailspin with a start-to-finish win over Oklahoma in the Red River Shootout. I'm just really glad that the beleaguered coach John Mackovic Brown got a win. Coach probably should stay indoors more, his tan is beginning to look unhealthy.
In the next few days we're going to have some great bitter rivalry games. UCLA at Stanford, Florida at LSU, USC at Notre Dame, Michigan State at Michigan, and Idaho at Troy. See you next week!