2021 Week 13
December 1, 2021
Well rivalry week featured a lot of great action, a lot of trophy games, and a couple wrestling matches up here. I know normally you'd expect very few fights up here, we're all in heaven for crying out loud, but emotions get charged. But it wasn't really rivalry-based. Coach Woody was in a grouchy mood and Bear likes to needle him and you can guess how that ended up - with Woody calling the Bear "a son of a bitch", swinging at him, Bear ducking the punch, and Woody punching himself in the face, giving himself a black eye while Bear just sat there and chuckled.
Woody's rage of course was tied to Ohio State's surprising loss in Anne Arbor, which was Michigan's first win over the Huckeyes since the days when I had only two chins. And was alive. The Wolverines even won the battle of mascots, with OSU mascot Beavis Buckeye getting knocked around by a stumbling U-M mascot Lee Corso.
Bear was in a better mood than Woody because Alabama had a dramatic 97 yard drive to tie up Auburn, then won the game in a 4th overtime two-point shootout. This allowed the Crimson Tide to retain possession of that most coveted trophy, the Iron Bowel. It was great to watch the players race around the field carrying this most famous of medical devices and dumping its foul contents on Coach Nick Satan, who then spun his head 360 degrees.
In the battle for the Zeroes Trophy, Iowa had a stirring comeback in Lincoln against the Nebraska Cornholio. Iowa's reward will be a trip to the Big Ten title game as Minnesota upended Wisconsin to take back Paul Bunyan's Ass.
One of the wildest finishes took place along Tobacco Road, as North Carolina State, trailing by 9 points with 2 minutes left, scored twice in 30 seconds to knock off rival UNC, 34-30. I felt pretty badly for Tar Heel Coach John Mackovic Brown.
In other notable rivalry games, Washington State had little trouble in Seattle as they pounded Washington 40-13 to take possession of the Apple Cup. Meanwhile Oklahoma State, in a battle for Big Eight supremacy, held off the Sooners 37-33. That result guaranteed that the Okie State Phi Lambda Mu fraternity would get possession of a very cute little sheep as that's the stakes of Bed Lamb.
Florida held off Florida State in the Lame Duck Coaches Bowel. LSU had a fine win over the Texas Aggies, but seems to be having trouble in its coaching search as numerous possibilities have signed big contracts elsewhere. I really thought LSU would hire an interim coach like they did with Coach Ogre, whom I believe is once again available. He could have had as many coaching comebacks at one school as Barry Alvarez did for the University of Wisconsin Exploding Parrots.
The Michigan State Fighting Chippewas defeated Penn State 30-27 and retook possession of the Hugh Grant Trophy. Meanwhile Oregon kept its Pac-8 hopes alive with a solid win over rival Oregon State in the Civil War. Finally Ole Southern Piss did a number (1) all over Starkville as they took out the Ole Southern Piss State Pirates, 31-21.
Of course the big news of the week involved the coaching carousel, with Coach Lincoln Riley leaving Oklahoma for LSU, then LSU firing him for refusing to eat gumbo and hiring noted wrapper and Notre Dame coach B Kelly. B Kelly lived up to his reputation and urinated on the gumbo, which apparently added much needed flavor. Notre Dame then promoted defensive coordinator Marcus Freeman, while Freeman's former boss at Cincinnati, Sam Wyche, apparently is dead. I was disappointed that the Irish didn't bring back Coach Holts, though maybe they were concerned that, late in his tenure, Notre Dame had so many empty seats. Southern Cal hired Lincoln Riley after LSU fired him. Meanwhile Oklahoma is now looking for a new coach although I would note that several Coach Stoops are probably interested. Florida hired a coach from regular Louisiana and Washington hired the head coach at FSU, whom I had heard was on the hot seat. Texas may be looking for someone soon as may Ohio State if they ever lose to Michigan again. Meanwhile Coach Superior is out golfing every day, laughing his tail off.
Next weekend is conference championship weekend, so that means we are getting close to that magical time known as bowel season. Talk to you soon!