2021 Week 9
November 2, 2021
Before I get into last week's college football I'd like to acknowledge the Atlanta Braves.
Thanks a lot for nothing - you were up 3 games to 1, you jumped out to a 4-0 lead on Sunday, leaving us 8 innings (or 5 hours) from the blessed end of the baseball season, then you choke. Those of us who wait all year for the horror that is baseball to end were sorely disappointed by your effort. It was so bad that I'm almost hoping for one extra day of baseball so there's a 7th game and you lose it just to punish you for not ending the season in short order.
The good news is that, with baseball almost done, we are approaching the best part of the sports season: MACtion! I've been salivating for tonight's Bald State vs. Acorn matchup for weeks now.
In games this past week we had some real excitement all over. One of the best games of the day took place at Chippewa Stadium in East Lansing as two top ten teams met and Michigan State came from behind to upend rival Michigan 37-33 behind five touchdowns by star Fighting Chippewa back and Wake Forest transfer Kenneth Walker III. I haven't seen a Babtist run like that since Jerry Falwell was being chased out of Greenwich Village by RuPaul.
Another fantastic finish occurred at Clemson as the Tigers held off Florida State. Clemson led the Seminoles 24-20 with a few seconds left and FSU tried a few laterals, one of which was grabbed by Clemson and run in for a 30-20 final score, which meant Clemson covered the spread and exceeded the over/under, which led to a bunch of gamblers losing their money and my good friend Brent Musburger going into a catatonic state.
The wildest game was Bring 'Em Young's 66-49 win over Virginia. I haven't seen a bunch of Morons score like that since the final season of Jersey Shore.
There were a couple other Big Ten showdowns: Ohio State struggled for a while then held off Penn State, 33-24. The Wisconsin Badgers continued their turnaround with a surprisingly easy win over the Iowa Huckeyes, 27-7. So Iowa has gone from being #2 to being #2.
Notre Dame continued its solid season with a 44-34 win over yet another ACC foe, North Carolina. Meanwhile my Pitt Panthers lost for a second time as Miami beat them 38-34. Pitt has really struggled with MAC teams this season.
In the World's Largest Cocktail Party the #1 rated Georgia Bulldogs made mincemeat out of Florida, jumping to a 24-0 halftime lead then cruising to a 34-7 victory. It was a pretty embarrassing game for UF, losing like that in their home stadium in Jacksonville, the Gator's Bowels.
In the Loan Star State Houston had an exciting 44-37 win over previously unbeaten Southern Methodist, thus taking control of the Southwest Conference race. In non-conference action UCLA fell to the University of Texas at Houston, meaning U.T.A.H. is on its way to another fine season.
Texas fell to Baylor 24-17. But the big news from Austin was about a child getting bit by a monkey on Halloween at the house of an UT assistant coach. What made the story even more interesting was that the monkey was an emotional support monkey belonging to the assistant coach's anti-Slavic stripper wife, "Pole Assassin".
Curious, I asked Coach Hayes if he ever had an emotional support animal. Or a stripper wife. Let's just say that Woody has to be more careful, the elasticity of my belly meant he ended up punching himself in the face and breaking his glasses.
I guess there are a lot of scams these days involving these emotional support animals, people declare their doggy an emotional support animal then get to take them for free on planes. In fact, ESPN is now saving money by declaring Coach Corso to be my good friend Herb Street's emotional support animal. That way ESPN can fly Coach Corso to Gameday each week for free. Granted Lee doesn't bite people much anymore (it's not like the old days when we'd hang out at Madame Ovary's House of Pain), it's more like an aggressive form of gumming.
As November starts I can say confidently that, aside from the MAC excitement, I'm looking forward to the LSU at Alabama game as Coach Ogre gets his final shot to slay Satan. Talk to you next week!