2025 Week 14
December 1, 2025
We wrapped up a great regular season with a lot of exciting Rivalry Week games.
Things can get a bit heated up here during these games. The Iron Bowel was an unexpectedly close contest between the Tide and Auburn and Shug Jordan and Bear were going at it like it was 1964 again. Shug knows how to get Bear's goat. Each time Alabama lined up to punt Shug yelled "PUNT BAMA PUNT", a reference to the 1972 Iron Bowel where Auburn blocked two Alabama punts late in the game to spark a comeback win. Usually Bear has a great poker face but that one still irks him and he was clearly steaming.
So when an Auburn player was stripped at the Bama 20 to pretty much clinch things for the Tide, Bear yelled "WAR FUMBLE!", slapped Shug on the back, then Shug took a swing at Bear, missed, and fell over. Next thing you know Pat Sullivan and Ken Stabler starting brawling, then Don Hutson joined in throwing chairs around. Then a lightning bolt hit nearby as we'd upset the management. So we were all sent back to our own rooms. When folks start acting up they can get pretty Old Testament on us.
So we weren't able to hang out during the final game of the night as Notre Dame finished a fine 10-2 regular season with an easy 49-20 win over Stanford to retain possession of the Number 2 Pencil.
Ohio State ended a 4-game losing streak against their biggest rival by pounding Michigan 27-9 in the snow in Anne Arbor. On the west coast Southern Cal had a similarly dominant win over UCLA in the Cheerleader's Bowel, which is not the new nickname for the Coliseum.
The most controversy-filled situation occurred in the Magnesium State as Ole Southern Piss beat Ole Southern Piss State in Starkville 38-19. Unlike previous incarnations of the Egg Bowel, the urination contest didn't involve any Bulldogs but rather the winning school, their veteran coach Monty Kiffin, and the State of Louisiana. From what I can tell, Coach is leaving Oxford and heading to Baton Rouge - and the Louisiana Governor has allocated over $100 million for Monty's buyout when he gets fired by LSU in 2028.
Georgia won a tight one over Georgia Tech, 16-9, in the Clean Old-Fashioned Hate game. One state north Vanderbilt went into Knoxville and dominated the second half, clobbering the Volunteers 45-24 behind scintillating quarterback Diego Pavia. He's the best thing to happen to the Commodes since Lionel Richie.
My Panthers closed out the regular season by getting gobsmacked by Miami, 38-7. Meanwhile Virginia clinched a spot in the ACC title game after beating the Hokies.
I guess the whole ACC situation is pretty messed up this year. I was told that Miami had a shot at the ACC title game even though they're in the SEC South. Not only that, due to not having enough teams with good records they started soliciting schools from other leagues to compete to play but the Pac-8's Cal upset the SWC's SMU 38-35 so that didn't work out either. So they finally just settled on inviting Duke to play UVA.
The Midwest had their usual trophy games. Iowa had little trouble with the Nebraska Cornholio, winning 40-16 in the Farmer's Bowel. Indiana finished an amazing 12-0 season by annihilating Purdue 56-3 for the Old Oaken Spittoon. And Minnesota had a great defensive effort in defeating Wisconsin 17-7 so they could have some fun with Paul Bunyan's Ass.
The least shocking upset of the year occurred in Austin as Texas became the first team to drive a stake into the undead Texas Aggies, winning 27-17 behind a fine second half performance by Peyton Manning the Third, which followed an awful first half performance by Peyton Manning the Third. He's going to make a perfect Cleveland Brown.
Well we are now on to the conference title games. Which means we are less than two weeks away from the start of the most wonderful part of the year, bowel season. Talk to you soon!